Hogwarts: A Magical Workplace (A Documentary)
by lewittren
Summary: WBS (Wizarding Broadcasting Service) has sent a documentary crew to Hogwarts to capture the lives of the professors and students who live there. Hogwarts: A Magical Workplace, Coming soon on WBS. This work explores what Harry Potter might look like in the style of the Office.
1. Season One Episode One

Episode 1

Pilot

_Dumbledore is sitting in his office, working. He sips a butterbeer and glances out the window. A concerned look comes over his face. The Camera follows his gaze to find…_

_A man in purple robes wearing a turban approaching the Hogwarts castle._

_Panicked, Dumbledore's turns back to the camera._

**Dumbledore**: Oh, bloody hell…

_He runs to the fireplace. _

**Dumbledore: **(speaking into the Fireplace) Minister's office!

_The fireplace magically shows the Minister's office, which is empty. A recorded message comes through._

**Recording:** You've reached the office of Minister of Magic. Cornelius Fudge is unavailable…

_Dumbledore looks back at the Camera. _

**Dumbledore**: This is bad.

_In the Great Hall, Hogwarts professors sit at the head table, enjoying a relaxing morning. Classes have not started yet, so the Great Hall is unusually quiet and peaceful…until Dumbledore bursts in through the heavy doors, panting and fear stricken. _

_All eyes turn to Dumbledore. _

**Dumbledore**: Everyone, lock the doors, turn out the lights, pretend to not be here.

**McGonagall:** (calmly) Are we in danger?

**Dumbledore**: I don't know. There's no time to think about if this is real.

_He runs to lock the door and uses his wand to extinguish the lights._

**Dumbledore**: Shh, shh, shh!

_Everyone is quiet. There's a knock on the door. Then another. _

**Quirrell**: (muffled through the door) Hello?

_Roughly an hour after the incident, Dumbledore is back in his office sitting at his desk. Dumbledore looks at the Camera sheepishly._

**Dumbledore**: The new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor and I did not get off to a great start.

[Opening Credits - Upbeat music]

[Hogwarts: A Magical Workplace]

**Dumbledore: **(to the Camera)I've been at Hogwarts for 64 years, the headmaster for the last 25. If you want to through here…

_Dumbledore leads the Camera across his office and opens the door to his balcony. He steps out onto the balcony. The Camera follows him, panning across the breathtaking castle, the pristine school grounds, and the ever-ominous forbidden forest. _

_Dumbledore spreads his arms wide, gesturing to all of it._

**Dumbledore: **This is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see.

_There's a knock on the door and another teacher walks in — a tall man with greasy black hair, a hooked nose and sallow skin._

**Dumbledore:** Ah, this is our Potions Master, Snape. Snape, Snape, Severus Snape! Say hello to the camera, Severus.

_Snape looks at the camera with no amusement in his dark eyes._

**Dumbledore: **Snape has been with us for forever, right Snape? About 10 years?

**Snape:** That is correct, headmaster.

**Dumbledore:** If you think he's creepy looking now, you should have seen him a couple of years ago.

**Snape: **Wait, what?

**Dumbledore: **Anyways! What can I do for you, Snape?

**Snape: **Sir, the first-year students have arrived. Hagrid's bringing them across the lake now.

_The Camera_ _cuts to Dumbledore, alone in his office._

**Dumbledore: **Students say I'm the best Headmaster. They go, "We've never gone to school in a place like this before, you're hilarious, and you get the best out of us."

_He grabs a small cauldron from his desk and holds it up. The cauldron reads "World's Best Headmaster"_

**Dumbledore**: I think that this pretty much sums it up. I found it at Potage's Cauldron Shop

_The Camera cuts to the line of first-years waiting to be sorted. Camera zooms in on Harry, and Harry looks at the camera, helpless_

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Harry._

**Harry:** I'm a first-year student at Hogwarts. I was raised by my aunt and uncle, who don't have magic, so this all still very new to me…

_Harry laughs uncomfortably, shrugs, and makes a weird face at the camera._

**Harry**: I have no idea what I'm doing.

_The Camer_a _cuts to an interview with Ron,_

**Ron**: The sorting is some sort of test. I think. Fred said it hurts a lot, but I think he was joking.

_Ron laughs nervously, and then his face falls serious. _

**Ron**: He was joking…right?

_The Camera cuts to the end of the Sorting Ceremony. When the final student —Blaise Zabini — is sorted as a Slytherin, Dumbledore gets to his feet to address the students._

**Dumbledore:** Welcome! Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words.

_He pauses to take a deep breath._

**Dumbledore:** Don't ever, for any reason, do anything for anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter where. Or who, or who you are with, or where you are going or… or where you've been… ever. For any reason, whatsoever…

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore_

**Dumbledore: **Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way.

_The feast ends and Dumbledore approaches Quirrell._

**Dumbledore: **New Guy! Quirrell! Come, come, I'll introduce you to the other professors.

_Dumbledore leads Quirrell around the school. They go to McGonagall's office._

**Dumbledore: **Quirrell, I'd like to introduce you to Minerva.

_McGonagall shakes Quirrell's hand_

**McGonagall: **Minerva McGonagall, Assistant Headmaster.

**Dumbledore: **Assistant _to _the Headmaster. She's is our Transfiguration Professor, and sort of like the Grandmother of the office.

**McGonagall:** I'm younger than you, Albus.

**Dumbledore:** Well, I don't know about that…

**McGonagall:** You were a teacher when I was a student here.

_Dumbledore looks at the camera, an annoyed look on his face._

_A few minutes later, the Camera cuts to Dumbledore and Quirrell entering Professor Snape office. _

**Dumbledore: **And this is Severus Snape. He's our potions master. Severus has an amazing new cauldron, right Severus?

**Snape:** Yeah,I've got a pewter self-stirring, collapsible cauldron. I've got pictures…

_Snape reaches into his desk and then draws back, a look of disgust on his face._

**Snape: **Bloody hell! They put my stuff in Jell-O again.

_Snape pulls out a plate with a dome of Jell-O, in the center his wand giggles._

**Snape: **That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first time!

_The_ _Camera cuts to interview with Snape_

**Snape**: It's okay here, but some people take advantage because it's so relaxed. I'm a death eater on the weekends. You cannot screw around there. It's one of the rules.

**Dumbledore: **What is that?

**Snape**: That's my wand.

_He points to Quirrell_

**Snape**: Ok, you know what? You can be a witness.

_He turns to Dumbledore angrily._

**Snape**: Can you reprimand the Weasley twins, please?

_The three men walk to the Great Hall, Snape carrying the Jell-O as evidence. They approach one of the Gryffindor tables, where two red-headed boys sit with other students. Snape turns to Dumbledore._

**Snape**: These two are the culprits.

**Fred**: (eating Jell-O) How do you know it was us?

**George**: (also eating Jell-O) Yeah!

**Snape**: It's always you. (To Dumbledore) Are you gonna discipline them or not?

**Dumbledore**: All right, here's the deal you guys: the thing about practical jokes, is that you have to know when to start, as well as when to stop! And yeah, Fred & George, now is the time to stop putting Professor Snape's personal effects into Jell-O.

**George**: Ok, Professor Snape. I would like to say I'm truly sorry because I've always been your biggest Flan

_Dumbledore snickers. _

**Dumbledore**: Nice!

**Fred**: You should have put us in custard-y!

**Dumbledore**: Yes!

**Snape**: Ok that's great, I guess, what I'm most concerned with is damage to property. That's all.

**Dumbledore**: Lemon Drops... I'm trying to think, another dessert to do.

_The Camera cuts to a hallway crowded with students as they head to their classes. The Camera follows Harry. All around him, people point and whisper. The Camera zooms in on Harry as he makes a puzzled face at the camera._

**Harry:** People have been looking at me kind of a lot all day. I would be creeped out by it, but it's nothing compared to the way Snape looks at me…

_The Camera cuts to Snape staring at Harry from around a corner, eyes burning with the anger of a thousand suns._

_A few hours later, Harry and other students enter the Potions classroom. Snape addresses Harry with n sinister smile on his face._

**Snape:** Why if it isn't our newest celebrity - Harry Potter.

_Harry's eyes shift to the Camera. He shakes his head slightly and mouths the word "what?" _

**Snape:** (to Harry) Question! What is the greatest danger facing Hogwarts today?

_Hermione's hand flies in the air._

**Hermione: **I know the answer, Professor Snape!

_The Camera cuts to interview with Hermione._

**Hermione:** I'll be the number one student here in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never lowering my hand. I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a …carpenter…that makes stairs.

The_ Camera cuts back to Potions Class. Professor Snape ignores Hermione._

**Snape: **Potter?

**Harry:** Being discovered by the non-wizarding community?

**Snape:** Wrong! Flash Floods! What is the real reason the Bloody Baron killed himself?

**Harry:** Depression?

**Snape:** Wrong! He hated himself. Final question: What is Albus Dumbledore's greatest fear?

**Harry**: Umm, loneliness. Maybe women.

**Snape:** Wrong! He's not afraid of anything! Also, I would have accepted snakes. Guess fame isn't everything, huh Potter?

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Harry and Ron._

**Harry:** He really doesn't like me.

**Ron:** He does not. But he didn't have to say it to your face.

_The Camera cuts back to Potions Class, where Snape is addressing the class._

**Snape: **If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Voldemort, Grindelwald and Potter, I would shoot Potter. Twice.

_The Camera cuts back to Harry and Ron's interview._

**Ron:** But at least we made it through the first day without any fires, trolls, or dark lords breaking out.

_Harry looks at the Camera and with a concerned look on his face._

**Harry:** Should I be worried about those things?

**Ron:** Not for several more episodes.

_As the first day at Hogwarts comes to a close, the Camera cuts to Fred and George Weasley sneaking out of the Gryffindor dorm. George is carrying a plate with a towel covering it. They quietly walk to Dumbledore's office, where they set the plate on his desk and remove the towel to reveal…_

_Dumbledore's "World's Best Headmaster" cauldron in Jell-O._


	2. Season One Episode Two

Chapter Two

Episode 2

_McGonagall and Harry are in her classroom when Dumbledore walks in. McGonagall and Harry are deep in conversation as he approaches them._

**McGonagall:** (talking to Harry) So Wood will teach you the basics…

**Dumbledore:** (interrupting) Minerva? 

**McGonagall:** (still talking to Harry) And your broom will be coming soon… 

**Dumbledore:** (interrupting) Minerva? Knock, knock. 

**McGonagall:** (to Dumbledore) I'm talking to Potter. 

**Dumbledore:** I know you are. Knock, knock. 

**McGonagall:** (to Harry) We're going to go with a Nimbus 2000… 

**Dumbledore:** Knock, knock!

_Snape is walking by and notices them. Curious, he enters McGonagall's classroom as well. McGonagall sighs and finally turns to Dumbledore._

**McGonagall:** Who's there? 

**Dumbledore:** Buddha. 

**McGonagall:** Buddha who?

_Dumbledore slaps a slice of bread and a stick of butter on McGonagall's desk_

**Dumbledore:** Buddha this bread for me, won't you?

_Dumbledore and Snape laugh. The Camera zooms in on McGonagall's unamused face._

**McGonagall:** Great. 

**Dumbledore:** I, I need something to wipe my hand. 

**McGonagall:** Now there's, there's butter on my desk. 

**Dumbledore:** That was helping. It was classic. 

**Snape:** I got a knock-knock joke. 

**Dumbledore:** No... God. 

**Snape:** Please, please, please, please, please let me.

**Dumbledore:** Alright. 

**Snape:** Knock, knock. 

**Dumbledore:** Who's there? 

**Snape:** Death Eaters. 

**Dumbledore:** Death Eaters Wh—

_Before Dumbledore can finish, Snape slaps him on the face. _

**Snape: **We will ask the questions! 

**Dumbledore:** What the hell was that?

_Dumbledore starts to slap Snape._

**Snape:** What are you doing? Stop it. 

**Dumbledore:** You like that?

_Dumbledore continues slapping Snape._

**Snape:** C'mon. Mine was a part of my hilarious joke. 

**Dumbledore:** Mine was retribution. Ok. No more knock-knock jokes. That's it. 

**Harry:** Ding Dong.

_Dumbledore's face lights up._

**Dumbledore: **(to Harry) Who's there? 

**Harry:** Death Eaters. 

**Dumbledore:** (to Snape) Snape, get the door. 

**Snape:** I'm not answering it. 

**Dumbledore:** Answer the door. 

**Harry:** Ding dong. 

**Snape:** No way, it's Death Eaters. 

**Harry:** Ding dong. 

**Snape:** I'm not answering that. You answer it. 

**Dumbledore:** I'm not gonna answer it 

**Snape:** I'm not gonna answer it, it's Death Eaters.

_Harry slaps Snape in the face._

**Harry:** Death Eaters will wait for no one!

_Dumbledore laughs. The Camera zooms in on Snape's face._

**Snape:** It's true.

[Opening Credits - Upbeat music]

[Hogwarts: A Magical Workplace]

_The Camera cuts to Dumbledore and Quirrell inside Dumbledore's office. Dumbledore sits at his desk, and Quirrell sits in a chair across from him. _

**Dumbledore**: Quirrell is sitting in my office. He has been a teacher here for a couple of weeks now, and he's kind of gotten the lay of the land a little bit. And now he wants to know what I think.

**Quirrell**: T-t-the temp agency w-w-ants to know what you th-th-think…

**Dumbledore**: Shall we? First up, proficiency in necessary skills. E-e-excellent!

_The Camera cuts to Snape, lurking in the corridor outside Dumbledore's office. He looks at the door longingly._

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Snape._

**Snape**: Dumbledore's in there right now evaluating the temp. He hasn't evaluated me in years. Everyone thinks Quirrell is so great because he's the Defense of the Dark Arts teacher, and he's fought off vampires, and zombies.

_Back in Dumbledore's office, Dumbledore is still evaluating Quirrell._

**Dumbledore:** Five years from now, what do you want to do? Where do you want to be?

**Quirrell: **W-w-ell, I'm interested in-in l-le-leadership.

**Dumbledore: **Oh! Good. Ambitious. Excellent. Want to be a headmaster?

**Quirrell: **Uh, n-no actually, I w-want to r-r-rule the w-w-world… 

**Dumbledore: **That is Riddikulus.

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore._

**Dumbledore: **(to Camera) Quirrell's about to attend the Albus Dumbledore School of Leadership. I'm like Gandalf and Merlin rolled into one.

_The Camera cuts back to Dumbledore and Quirrell._

**Dumbledore:** There are ten rules of leadership that you need to learn. Number one: You need to play to win. But... you also have to win to play.

**Quirrell: **G-got it.

**Dumbledore: **And…I will give you the rest of the ten at lunch.

_The Camera cuts to Charms class, where Gryffindor students are attempting to use a spell to make a feather float through the air. Ron's wand hovers above his feather as he recites the spell._

**Ron:** Wingardium Leviosa.

_Nothing happens._

**Ron:** This stupid spell working.

**Hermione**: Really? Well maybe you should look in the smart part of your brain.

_Ron looks at the Camera, annoyed._

_The Camera cuts to interview with Ron._

**Ron**: She's smart. Talks to me a lot. A lot. Too much. Like a crazy person. A little. Not super crazy... just... there's something about her that creeps me out. I can't really explain it. She's always up in my bidness. Which is ebonics for "being in my face and annoying the bejesus out of me."

**Hermione: **You're saying it wrong. It's Wing-gar-dium Levi-o-sa.

**Ron:** No, just stop. Stop. Stop doing it. You're going to drive me crazy.

**Hermione:** Fine. Sorry I annoyed you with my friendship!

_Hermione turns, lets out an angry yell and punches a hole in the wall. Everyone in the classroom stops working and looks at her in shock._

**Hermione: **That... was an overreaction… Gonna hit the bathroom.

_Hermione runs away and hides in the girl's bathroom._

_After she leaves, Harry and Ron inspect the wall. Harry pokes at the hole._

**Harry: **Oh my God, that's half-inch drywall.

**Ron:** I think we broke her brain.

_The Camera cuts to the Great Hall where students and teachers are eating. An alarm goes off._ _Quirrell bursts into the hall and runs through the room._

**Quirrell: **Troll — in the dungeons — thought you ought to know.

_Quirrell slumps to the floor in a dead faint._

_Snape and McGonagall stand up._

**Snape: **Students!

**McGonagall:** Okay, everybody.

**Snape: **This is not a test. Prefects, lead your houses back to the dormitories.

_Draco looks at the camera in alarm. The Camera cuts to an interview with Draco._

**Draco**: The Slytherin dormitory is in the dungeon…

_The Camera cuts back to the Great Hall._

**McGonagall**: Do not panic.

**Snape**: Head towards your dorms.

**McGonagall**: Safety Partners.

_Dumbledore gets up and runs out of the hall, pushing students aside to get through. The Camera follows him as he runs through the corridors to his office._

_The Camera cuts back to the Great Hall as students and faculty start to shuffle out. _

**Snape**: No, panic is warranted!

**McGonagall:** Go in single file lines. 

**Snape:** This is not at drill!

_The Camera cuts to Dumbledore standing outside his office. He looks at the camera sheepishly._

**Dumbledore:** Yes, I was the first one out. And, yes, I've heard women and children first. But, I believe treating students like adults. And, uh, women are equal in the workplace by law. So, I let them out first, I have a lawsuit on my hands.

_Later, Dumbledore and Snape are in Dumbledore's office._

**Dumbledore: **How did a troll accidentally get into Hogwarts?

**Snape: **It would appear someone let it in.

**Dumbledore: **Who would do that?

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Fred and George._

**Fred: **What? We did not do that.

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Quirrell. Quirrell is barely able to stifle his laughter. _

**Quirrell: **It wasn't me! Um..it wasn't me.

_Quirrell regains his composure._

**Quirrell:** It was not me.

_The Camera cuts back to Dumbledore's office. There's a knock at the door, and McGonagall enters, followed by Harry, Ron, and Hermione._

**McGonagall:** These three were found taking on the troll in a bathroom.

**Dumbledore: **You took on the troll? And won?

**Harry: **Yes.

**McGonagall: **What on earth were you thinking?

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Harry_

**Harry**: We found ourselves on the, less prepared side of things when the troll went berserk. And I knew exactly what to do, but in a much more real sense I had no idea what to do.

_The Camera cuts back to Dumbledore's office._

**Snape:** I'll go take care of the troll.

_Snape leaves. _

**Dumbledore:** (to Quirrell) Okay, yes another rule of business is being able to adapt to different situations.

**Quirrell:** Yeah.

**Dumbledore:** Adapt. React. Re-adapt. Act. All right? That's rule number two.

_The Camera cuts to Interview with Quirrell._

**Quirrell:** I don't want to be like "a guy" here. You know? Like, Snape is the "creepy goth guy". And McGonagall has cats. I don't want to have a thing... here. You know, I don't want to be the "something guy".

_The Camera cuts back to Dumbledore's office _

**Dumbledore: **Okay, so 10 points to Gryffindor.

**McGonagall: **Should we really be rewarding them for doing something so reckless?

**Dumbledore:** Did I stutter?

_The door opens and Snape returns, laughing._

**Dumbledore:** Snape, what is it? 

**Snape:** Apparently in Defense Against the Dark Arts lessons, they don't teach you how to lock a door because some smart, sexy temp left the dungeon unlocked so the troll could get in! 

**Dumbledore:** Wow. Okay. Well, I guess they don't teach how to lock a door in Defense Against the Dark Arts lessons. 

**Snape:** That's exactly what I said. 

**Dumbledore:** Hey, did you miss that day there, Quirrell? 

**Snape:** Were you absent?

**Quirrell:** I am so-so-so sorry.

**Snape: **We should call him "Troll Guy"

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore._

**Dumbledore:** Hey! I know what'll impress everybody, I'll let a troll in the dungeon. Bad idea, man. Bad idea.

_The Camera cuts back to Dumbledore and Quirrell_

**Dumbledore:** Okay. Rule five - safety first, i.e. don't let a troll into the school. Okay? That should be a no brainer. 

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore._

**Dumbledore:** Quirrell is book smart. And I am street smart. And book smart. 

_The Camera cuts back to Dumbledore and Quirrell._

**Dumbledore:** I'll give you the rest of the ten tomorrow.


	3. Season One Episode Three

Episode 3

_Students sit in the Great Hall, eating lunch and socializing. Then, outside the room there is a loud scuffling noise followed by a series of grunts. Students pause, curious as to the source. Finally, the door opens, only to reveal branches and branches of fir tree._

_The tree moves through the Great Hall, and although they can't see the two people carrying it through all the needles, the voices of Headmaster Dumbledore and Professor Snape are unmistakable_.

**Dumbledore:** Go. Push!

**Snape: **Oh god.

**Dumbledore:** Push!

**Snape:** No, no, turn it around.

**Dumbledore:** Really shove it.

**Snape:** You'll break it.

**Dumbledore:** Shove it through! Don't break the branches, Snape.

_Finally, they manage to get the massive tree to the front of the Great Hall, and they set it down on the floor_

**Snape:** I got a splinter.

**Dumbledore:** Well, suck it up. We all have problems. (To the students) Hey, everybody, look what we have! Nice, huh?

**Snape: **I've got it leveraged. Push. Straight up.

**Dumbledore:** On three. Ready?

**Snape and Dumbledore:** (in unison) One, two, three.

_They push the tree up and it breaks through the ceiling. Bits of rubble and dust drop from the ceiling._

_Harry glances at the Camera sarcastically. _

**Dumbledore:** Merry Christmas!

[Opening Credits - Upbeat music]

[Hogwarts: A Magical Workplace]

_In the Great Hall, Hagrid is cutting the top of the tree off so that it will fit in the room._

**Dumbledore:** Did it work?

_Hagrid holds up a piece of the tree he just cut off._

**Hagrid:** Well, sort of. Why did you get it so big?

**Dumbledore:** A, that's what she said, and B, I wanted it to be impressive. The biggest day of the year deserves the biggest tree of the year.

**Hagrid:** But what are we going to do with this hacked off part?

**Dumbledore:** Well, that is a perfectly good mini-tree, Hagrid. And we are going to sell that to charity. That's what Christmas is all about.

_The next day, It's breakfast in the Great Hall. As students are eating, Dumbledore stands at the front of the room._

**Dumbledore:** Are we ready for the game?

**Everybody:** (half-heartedly) Yeah.

**Dumbledore:** Yeah, yeah. I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that, uh, dwarf from Lord of the Rings.

**Neville:** Gimli.

**Dumbledore:** Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.

**Neville:** Just trying to be helpful.

**Dumbledore:** (in a nerdy voice) "I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword."

**Harry:** That's him.

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore. _

**Dumbledore:** Today is the first Quidditch Match of the year. Gryffindor vs. Slytherin. And this particular match is very important because we on the faculty have a bet, and the teachers for the losing team has to clean Moaning Myrtle's toilet…

_The Camera cuts to The Gryffindor common room, where Dumbledore gathers the Gryffindor students together before the match._

**Dumbledore:** OK, so, let's put together a starting line-up, shall we? Dean of course.

**Dean:** I'm sorry?

**Dumbledore:** Um, what do you play? Chaser?

**Dean:** Why "of course"?

**Dumbledore:** Uh...

**Dean:** What's that supposed to mean?

**Dumbledore:** Uh, I don't know. I don't remember saying that.

**Harry:** Uh, I heard it.

**Dumbledore:** Well, people hear a lot of things. Um... other starters... Oliver Wood.

**Hermione:** I'd like to play if it's just for fun.

**Dumbledore:** (ignores Hermione) Um... Yeah. Who else? We have Katie Bell. We have Harry, the new guy, right? Untested. Willing to prove himself now. A lot of passion, a lot of heart.

**Harry:** But, I'm getting extra credit for this right?

**Dumbledore:** Yes. Yes, this is a lesson. The, uh, lesson of team building and morale boosting.

**Harry:** OK.

**Dumbledore:** Uh, who else?

**Seamus:** I can help out, if you need me.

**Dumbledore:** I will use your talents come rugby season, my friend. Or if we box.

**Ron:** I have goals at my house.

**Michael:** No.

**Hermione:** I have a sports bra.

**Michael:** No, no, Riddikulus.

_Neville holds up a wadded piece of parchment._

**Neville:** Dumbledore, look.

_Neville throws paper at the garbage can. It sails over the can completely._

**Everyone:** Missed it...

**Dumbledore:** Close.

**Wood: **Sir, we already have a Quidditch team…me, Fred & George, Harry, Katie, Angelina, and Alicia.

**Dumbledore:** Oh, right. Can I be team captain?

**Wood:** No, I'm team captain.

**Neville:** Can I be team manager?

**Dumbledore:** No, I am the team manager. You can be assistant to the team manager.

**Neville:** Assistant team manager?

**Dumbledore:** No.

_Down at the Quidditch field, the two teams enter. Dumbledore stands in the center of the field, about to start the match. _

**Dumbledore:** (to Harry) Hey, there he is! Secret weapon!

_Harry looks at the Camera helplessly._

**Dumbledore**: All right, guys, come on, let's bring it in! Here we go! OK, listen, this is just going to be a friendly game, right? We are all on the same team here, the Hogwarts team. Of course, if Slytherin beats Gryffindor, they're expelled… That's a joke. OK, let's do it.

M_adame Hooch blows her whistle and the game starts._

**Dumbledore:** De-fense! (clap, clap) De-fense! (clap clap)

_Angelina Scores._

**Dumbledore:** (to Snape) Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! In, your, face!

_A Slytherin player accidentally bumps into Harry, almost knocking him off his broom._

**Dumbledore:** Foul! Foul!

**Slytherin:** Sorry, I didn't mean to do that.

**Dumbledore:** What's your problem man? Gah, just clocking Harry for no reason?

**Hooch:** A penalty shot for Gryffindor…

**Dumbledore:** No, no, no, no. That was a flagrant, personal, intentional foul. Right there.

**Slytherin:** No, it wasn't.

**Dumbledore:** (mocking voice) Yes, it was. You know what, I'm just being fair.

**Slytherin: **No, I just put my arm up...

**Dumbledore:** Game over. Game over. That is it!

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore._

**Dumbledore:** I'm sorry, you know? I hate to do it this way but, you know, that's just... we were having a friendly game. It's a shame. This is a damn shame, but we're like a family here and that just, that won't fly.

_The Camera cuts back to the game._

**Snape:** Wait, what does that mean? What is it, a tie? What's going on?

**Dumbledore:** Well, let's just say whoever was ahead won.

**Snape:** That was you.

**Dumbledore:** It was us? Really? I didn't, I didn't know. Great, I mean, I guess you guys are cleaning Moaning Myrtle's toilet.

_Snape looks at the Camera, annoyed._

_That evening, everyone is back in the Great Hall for the annual Secret Santa Christmas exchange. Snape addresses the room._

**Snape:** It is time to get your presents, wrap them, and place them under the tree like so. If you do not get your present wrapped and under the tree within the next five minutes you will be disqualified from Secret Santa. All right? No exceptions except Dumbledore.

_The Camera shifts to Dumbledore talking to Quirrell._

**Dumbledore:** You get something good this year?

**Quirrell:** I th-think I did a pretty good job.

**Dumbledore:** Yeah? Who did you have?

**Quirrell:** Well, I can't tell you cause it's a s-secret.

**Dumbledore:** I think I got something pretty nice for my guy.

**Quirrell:** Yeah?

**Dumbledore:** I spent a lot of dough. Lot of dough. Wow.

**Quirrell:** Well, there's a l-limit of 3 Galleons, right? So...

**Dumbledore:** Yeah. I wanted this party to be really special so I sorta went above and beyond.

**Quirrell:** That's g-great. Well don't tell me who it is, cause I can-

**Dumbledore:** It was Harry. Yeah. I have Harry.

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore. _

**Dumbledore: ** Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It's like this tangible thing that you can point to and say, "Hey, man, I love you this many Galleons worth."

_The Camera cuts to the Great Hall, where everyone is opening presents._

**Snape:** All right, next. Harry.

_Snape tosses the present to Harry. He unwraps it._

**Harry:** Whoa, an invisibility cloak.

**Dumbledore:** Whoa. Wow. Jeez. Somebody really got carried away with the spirit of Christmas. That was me, I got a little carried away.

**Harry:** Wasn't there a 3 Galleon limit on the gift? This is 60 Galleons.

**Dumbledore:** You don't know that.

**Harry:** Yeah, you left the price tag on.

**Dumbledore:** I did?

**Harry:** Yeah.

**Dumbledore:** What? Oh, shoot. Wow. Okay, well, who cares? It doesn't matter what I spent. What matters is that Christmas is fun, right?

**Snape:** Next is Dumbledore.

_Snape hands Dumbledore a present._

**Dumbledore:** Oh hey, for me. What is in here?

_He opens it to reveal a handmade oven mitt. His face is overcome with disappointment and anger._

**Dumbledore:** Oh, come on.

**Hermione:** I knitted it for you.

**Dumbledore:** An oven mitt? Okay. This sucks.

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore._

**Dumbledore**: So, Hermione is basically saying, "Hey Dumbledore, I know you did a lot to help the school this year but I only care about you a homemade oven mitt's worth." I gave Harry an invisibility cloak.

_Hermione gets up and walks out of the room, holding back tears._

**Dumbledore:** What is she so upset about?

**Quirrell:** M-maybe because you hated her present so much.

**Dumbledore:** Come on! I got Harry an invisibility cloak!

**Snape:** You should have just bought a 3 Galleon gift like everyone else.

**Dumbledore:** Well, I didn't. I got a big bonus because I fired the last Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and I used the money to buy something awesome. Sue me!

**McGonagall:** You got a bonus check?

**Snape:** How much?

**Dumbledore:** It wasn't that much. It was 451 Galleons.

**Snape:** All right, I'm done now.

_He gets up and leaves. The other teachers soon follow._

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore._

**Dumbledore:** Unbelievable. I do the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for these people and they freak out. Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.


	4. Season One Episode Four

Episode 4

_Students are eating breakfast in the Great Hall. The Camera pans to Dumbledore as he enters. He walks past Harry and Hermione, and he catches the tail-end of their conversation._

**Harry:** Not much what's up with you?

_Hermione laughs, shaking her head._

**Hermione:** Oh, I cannot believe I fell for that.

_Dumbledore stops, intrigued._

**Dumbledore:** Ah, ah, ah, what? What? Where's the funny? Give it to me.

**Harry:** Umm, is it me or does it smell like up-dog in here?

**Dumbledore:** What's up-dog?

**Harry:** Nothin' much what's up with you?

_Dumbledore laughs, a grin spreading across his face._

**Dumbledore:** Oh, oh, wow! I walked right into that. Oh, that's brilliant!

_The Camera follows Dumbledore as he walks over to McGonagall, who is sitting at the table reading parchment._

**Dumbledore:** Hey, McGonagall, is that jacket made of up-dog?

_McGonagall does not look up from the parchment._

**McGonagall:** I'm grading essays…

_The Camera cut to Dumbledore standing with Quirrell. Dumbledore takes a sip of coffee from a mug._

**Dumbledore:** Mmm, what flavour coffee is that? Up-dog?

**Quirrell:** W-what's that?

**Dumbledore:** I don't know, nothin', what's up with you?

**Qurirell:** Huh?

**Dumbledore:** (under his breath) No, damn it!

_The Camera cuts to Dumbledore and Hagrid._

**Hagrid:** What does that mean?

**Dumbledore:** What does what mean?

**Hagrid:** The thing you just said?

**Dumbledore:** Just forget it.

_Then, Snape walks into the Great Hall. Dumbledore races over to him._

**Dumbledore:** Snape! Hey is it me or does this place smell like up-dog?

**Snape:** What's up-dog?

**Dumbledore:** Gotcha!

_Dumbledore laughs, doubling over_._ He then pauses as he tries to remember the punchline._

**Dumbledore**: Crap! Nothin' how ya doing?

**Snape:** Good. How are you doing?

_Harry turns to the camera with an amused look on his face._

**Harry:** (mouthing to Camera) So close.

**Dumbledore:** (under his breath) Damn it.

[Opening Credits - Upbeat Music]

[Title: Hogwarts, a Magical Workplace]

_The Camera cuts to Dumbledore as he comes out of the bathroom. Snape sneaks up on him, startling him._

**Snape:** Dumbledore!?

**Dumbledore:** Oh! God. Snape, come on...

**Snape:** I wanted to talk to you about what happens if someone steals the Sorcerer's Stone.

**Dumbledore:** No one is going to try to steal the stone…

**Snape:** But if it were…we'd be protected at Hogwarts right?

**Dumbledore:** Look, look, look. I talked to the Ministry, about Hogwarts being safe, and they said they couldn't guarantee it would be, okay?

**Dumbledore:** But no one's going to try to steal the stone, so...

**Snape:** Bottom line. Do I need to be worried?

_Dumbledore nervously shakes his head._

**Dumbledore:** Mmm…Maybe.

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore_

**Dumbledore:** It looks like there's gonna be an attempt to steal the Sorcerer's Stone. And it's part of my job to protect it, but... blah! I hate it.

_The Camera cuts to the Great Hall. Quirrell is eating lunch when Snape sidles up to him._

**Snape:** Hey, so listen, I was thinking that it might be a good idea if you and I formed an alliance. 'Cause of the Sorcerer's Stone? I think an alliance might be a good idea, you know. Help each other out.

_Quirrell glances at the Camera, eyes wide._

**Snape:** Do you want to form, an alliance, with me?

**Quirrell:** A-absolutely, I do.

**Snape:** Good, good. Excellent, OK. Now we need to figure out who's vulnerable and who's protected...

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Quirrell_

**Quirrell**: A-at that moment, I was so relieved. I mean, e-everything Snape does scares me. So finally, a way to get him off my b-back.

The Camera cuts to _Dumbledore sitting in his office. There's a knock on the door. _

**Dumbledore**: Come in.

_McGonagall enters._

**Dumbledore**: Ah, McGonagall! Are those the student reports?

**McGonagall: **Yeah, uh, this is all of them.

_A while later, Draco comes in for his review._

**Dumbledore:** Alright-o, Draco, let's see how you did.

**Draco:** Bring it on.

_Draco starts to put a foot up on Dumbledore's desk_

**Dumbledore:** No.

**Draco:** Sorry.

**Dumbledore:** Wow.

**Draco:** What does it say?

**Dumbledore:** Draco, your feedback is horrible.

**Draco:** That's impossible.

**Dumbledore:** A number of your teachers found your personal style abrasive and distasteful.

**Draco:** I suck up more than anyone.

_Draco stands and reaches for the file, but Dumbledore keeps it away from him._

**Dumbledore:** No, no, no, no, no.

**Draco:** Wait, is this a joke? I'm getting that queasy feeling that sometimes accompanies jokes.

**Dumbledore:** Do I look like I am joking?

**Draco:** No, but that's sometimes part of it.

**Dumbledore:** If I were joking, you would be laughing. Do you look like you are laughing?

**Draco:** Impossible to say. I can't see myself.

**Dumbledore:** You're not.

_The Camera _c_uts to Snape and Quirrell talking in the Potions classroom._

**Quirrell:** OK, h-here's the deal. All right? M-McGonagall says that one of the a-alliances is meeting in the R-room of Requirement.

**Snape:** Oh my God, we have to be there.

**Quirrell:** I know, b-but it's gonna be a little t-tough because there's no good place to h-hide there.

**Snape:** No no, yes there is. Behind the shelves. Oh my God.

**Quirrell:** What? What?

**Snape:** I know. I know exactly what to do.

_The Camera cuts to Hermione and Harry in the Great Hall. _

**Hermione:** Did you get your scores yet?

**Harry:** Nope.

**Hermione:** I got mine. They were really good.

**Harry:** You must be really proud.

**Hermione:** Yeah, pretty psyched.

_Draco comes into the Great Hall and sits down, an angry scowl on his face._

**Harry:** How was your meeting with Dumbledore?

**Draco:** None of your business.

**Harry:** Was it your scores?

**Draco:** Those can't be my scores, Harry. For your information -

**Harry:** Mm-hmm.

**Draco:** I'm being sabotaged.

**Harry:** Of course.

**Draco:** And I'm going to find that person and punish them.

**Harry:** Absolutely. Or you could just be nice to your teachers and peers.

**Draco:** You're an idiot.

**Harry:** There's the charm.

_Dumbledore comes into the Great Hall._

**Dumbledore:** Harry, let's do this thang.

**Harry:** That is me. Wish me luck.

**Draco:** No way.

_The Camera cuts to Dumbledore's office. Harry sits across from Dumbledore as he opens Harry's report._

**Dumbledore:** Oh, come on.

**Harry:** What?

**Dumbledore:** You too?

**Harry:** Did my scores drop a little?

**Dumbledore:** Harry, they are a poopy.

**Harry:** Are we even sure that's my file?

**Dumbledore:** No.

_He glances at it._

**Dumbledore:** Yes, I am sure, Harry. It -

**Harry:** Well, there's got to be an explanation.

**Dumbledore:** I agree.

**Harry:** Yeah.

**Dumbledore:** So let's see what we can find out from reading.

_He pauses and reads._

**Dumbledore:** (reading from review) Harry Potter is smudge and arrogant.

**Harry:** I think you mean smug

_Dumbledore points at Harry._

**Dumbledore:** Arrogance.

**Harry:** Dumbledore, I'm just trying to -

**Dumbledore:** And there's our smudgeness.

The_ Camera cuts to a classroom where Harry and Draco meet Dumbledore._

**Dumbledore:** Here's what's going to happen. I am going to have to fix you, manage you two on a more personal scale, a more micro form of management. Harry, what is that called?

**Harry:** Microgement.

**Dumbledore:** Boom! Yes. Now, Harry is going to be a professor. Draco, you're going to have to earn house points form him without being aggressive, hostile or difficult. Let's go.

**Draco:** All right, fine. (looks at Harry) Hello.

**Harry:** Hello?

**Draco:** Hello, I'm trying to earn house points for Slytherin

**Dumbledore:** (whispers) Ask him his name.

**Draco:** What is your name, sir?

**Harry:** I am Professor Bill Buttlicker.

**Draco:** Really, that's your real name?

**Harry:** How dare you? My family built this country, by the way.

**Dumbledore:** Be respectful, Draco.

**Draco:** Yes, Dumbledore.

**Harry:** Would you hold on one second? I have to reply to an owl.

**Draco:** What? No, but I -

**Harry:** (dictates as he writes the imaginary letter) I'm talking with this stupid student. He's so dumb. Probably just gonna keep him in class forever and not give him any house points.. Yeah, OK.

_Harry pretends to send the imaginary owl.  
_

**Dumbledore:** (to Draco) It's up to you to change his mind.

**Harry:** Sorry. That was a family emergency.

**Draco:** Oh, no. What's wrong?

**Harry:** You know what? That's private.

**Dumbledore:** Boundaries, Draco. Come on!

**Draco:** Sorry, Mr. Buttlicker. As I was saying, the Slytherin house has never been working harder-

**Harry:** Sorry, you're going to have to speak up a little bit louder. I'm hard of hearing.

**Dumbledore:** He's hard of - he's an old man. Let's go.

**Draco:** (talking slightly louder) OK, as I was saying, right now we have never been working harder-

**Harry:** You're gonna have to talk louder.

**Draco:** (talking louder) OK, our house has never been working harder.

**Harry:** Son, you have to talk louder.

**Draco:** (talking very loudly)...never been working harder!

**Harry:** Louder, son!

**Draco:** (shouting) Buttlicker! Our house has never been working harder!

**Dumbledore:** Stop it! Stop it!

**Draco:** He -

**Dumbledore:** That is totally inappropriate. You never yell at the professor. You never yell at the professor.

**Harry:** Now, you listen to me, son.

**Dumbledore:** Here we go.

**Harry:** The three words I would describe you as is aggressive, hostile and definitely difficult.

**Dumbledore:** Tap me in.

**Draco:** Please, Professor Buttlicker -

**Harry:** I'm irate right now.

**Dumbledore:** Tap me in.

**Draco:** Please give me another chance. Professor Buttlicker.

**Dumbledore:** Tap me in. Tap me in.

**Draco:** I have to let you speak to the headmaster.

**Harry:** Well, I should hope so.

_Dumbledore steps forward_

**Dumbledore:** Hello, I am Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts.

**Harry:** Well, I am Professor William M. Buttlicker.

**Dumbledore:** Hello, Professor Buttlicker. How may I help you?

**Harry:** Dumbledore, I like the sound of your voice. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to give one million house points to Slytherin.

**Draco:** (shakes fist, whispers) Yeah!

_Dumbledore turns and whispers to Draco.  
_

**Dumbledore:** See how it's done? (to Harry) Thank you very much, sir. I don't think you'll regret it.

**Harry:** There is one condition, Dumbledore.

**Dumbledore:** Yes.

**Harry:** You have to expel the student that treated me so terribly.

**Draco:** Don't do it, Dumbledore.

**Dumbledore:** ... (whispers) It's a million house points…

_The Camera cuts to Snape and Quirrell in the Room of Requirement. Snape starts to climb into a large box next to the Mirror of Erised._

**Quirrell:** W-wait, this isn't gonna work. The lid's open.

**Snape:** So tape it down.

**Quirrell:** I c-can't do that. You won't be able to breathe.

**Snape:** Look, I can breathe just fine. OK, but if it makes you feel better, I'll poke holes in the box.

**Quirrell:** Thank you, thank you. OK.

_Quirrell looks at the camera in amusement. _

_The Camera cuts to Dumbledore's office. Harry and Draco sit across from Dumbledore's desk._

**Dumbledore:** Alright. I've tried my best and the only thing left to do is detention in the Forbidden Forest.

_Draco and Harry exchange dismayed looks._

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore._

**Dumbledore**: I am not to be truffled with.

_The Camera cuts back to the Room of Requirement, where Quirrell is finishing up taping the box shut._

**Quirrell:** So, do you want me to stay here and, you know, stand next to the box?

**Snape:** No, you need to go upstairs to the Great Hall so people don't notice we're both gone.

**Quirrell:** Right... That's good.

_Quirrell looks at the Camera with a smirk._

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Snape._

**Snape:** Can I trust Quirrell? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don't. Will I trust Quirrell? Yes. Should I trust Quirrell?

_He looks at the Camera._

**Snape**: You tell me.


	5. Season One Episode Five

Episode 5

_The Camera follows Dumbledore as he enters the Ministry of Magic. He grins as walks up the stairs._

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore_

**Dumbledore:** Cornelius Fudge — the Minister for Magic, if title's important to you — has personally invited moi to come here for a meeting with the other headmasters. And at some point they are going to name me as the most successful headmaster that they have ever had. And then Albus Dumbledore turns and waves to the crowd... and the crowd goes wild.

_The Camera cuts back to Dumbledore as he sees Minister Fudge. He approaches him._

**Dumbledore:** Cornelius!

**Fudge:** (confused) Oh, Albus?

**Dumbledore:** Are we all set?

**Fudge:** Isn't our meeting tomorrow?

_Dumbledore looks at the Camera and then quickly hides his surprise._

**Dumbledore:** Yes. I just happened to be in the neighborhood, thought I'd drop in and say hello.

**Fudge:** You happened to be in central London?

**Dumbledore:** Thought I'd catch a show.

**Fudge:** In the middle of a school day?

**Dumbledore:** Naaah. You know what? Since I'm here, let me ask you a few questions about the meeting tomorrow.

**Fudge:** Okay.

**Dumbledore:** Um, how many headmasters will be at the meeting?

**Fudge:** Only you and the headmasters of Durmstrang and Beauxbatons.

**Dumbledore:** Ah, well, good. Out of curiosity, have either of them been headmaster longer than I have, or manage more students?

** Fudge:** I don't think so.

**Dumbledore:** Ah, great. No further questions.

**Fudge:** Okay, Albus.

**Dumbledore:** Okay.

**Fudge:** I'm really looking forward to our meeting.

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore outside the Ministry of Magic._

**Dumbledore:** I got it made in the shade. The other headmaster are total morons.

_He starts writing a letter for an owl, dictating as he writes:_

**Dumbledore**: McGonagall - I forgot what day the interview was and I went to London accidentally. I'll be like five hours late.

_Dumbledore sends the owl._

[Opening Credits - Upbeat Music]

[Title: Hogwarts, a Magical Workplace]

_The Camera cuts to the head table in the Great Hall where students and faculty are eating breakfast. McGonagall stands up to address the room._

**McGonagall:** Attention students. Dumbledore was called away by the Minister for Magic on urgent business. Professor Snape and I are in charge while he's out.

_Snape looks over at Harry and laughs maniacally. Harry gives the Camera an exasperated look._

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Harry._

**Harry:** God, this is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head.

_The Camera cuts to Potions Class, as Harry walks in._

**Snape:** Harry, Harry, Harry, Harry…

**Harry:** Oh hey, Snape.

**Snape:** I am gonna be in charge while Dumbledore is out. (Evil Cackle) Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check in time is now. Check out time is never.

**Harry:** Does my room have cable?

**Snape:** No. And the sheets are made of fire.

**Harry:** Can I change rooms?

**Snape:** Sorry, we're all booked up. Hell convention in town.

**Harry:** Can I have a late checkout?

**Snape:** I'll have to talk to the manager.

**Harry:** You're not the manager even in your own fantasy?

**Snape:** I'm the owner. The co-owner. With Satan!

**Harry:** Okay, just so I understand it, in your wildest fantasy you are in Hell and you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil?

**Snape:** Yeah, but I haven't told you my salary yet.

**Harry:** Go.

**Snape:** 12,000 Galleons a year!

_Harry looks at the Camera, amused._

_The Camera cuts to the Great Hall at lunch time. Snape enters the room and goes to the head table. He mutters curses about Harry Potter and slams a book down on the table, making Quirrell jump._

**Voldemort:** (from the back of Quirrell's head) What was that?

**Quirrell:** Wow. That was Snape. He seems upset about something.

**Voldemort:** Describe him exactly. What type of greasiness does his hair look like? Tar or oil?

**Quirrell:** It is... more of a sticky syrup look, actually.

**Snape:** What are you mumbling about?

**Quirrell:** How was Potions Class with P-potter?

**Snape:** None of your business.

**Voldemort: **Ooh I need more unicorn blood.

**Quirrell:** How much unicorn blood do you need?

**Snape:** I don't know. Two liters, maybe three if one vial breaks. How much unicorn blood do you need?

**Quirrell:** I'm not talking to you.

**Snape:** Who are you talking to?

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Snape_.

**Snape:** I've caught Quirrell talking to himself several times today. What a loser. Get a friend, loser.

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Harry._

**Harry**: Bet you 3 Galleons Voldemort is on the back of Quirrell's head…only thing that can explain the weird old man smell.

T_he Camera cuts to Quirrell, slinking through the third-floor corridor__. He looks around before entering the room with Fluffy._

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Quirrell._

**Quirrell:** Oh, I steal things all the time. It's just something I do. I stopped caring a long time ago. You should see how many supplies I've taken from this place. Honestly, I love stealing things.

_The Camera cuts to the Gryffindor Common Room. Harry and Ron are playing Wizard's Chess when Hermione comes bursting in._

**Hermione**: Harry! Fluffy's room is open. Someone's gone after the Philosopher's Stone.

_Harry looks at the Camera, annoyed._

_The_ _Cam_era_ cuts to an interview with Harry. He throws his arms up in the air._

**Harry**: How come this is on me?

_Harry, Hermione, and Ron go to the third-floor corridor. The door that hides Fluffy the three-headed dog is ajar._

**Ron**: He's already got past Fluffy.

_The three get past Fluffy, the Devil's Snare, and the flying keys. They arrive to the fourth challenge._

**Harry**: Now what?

**Ron**: It's obvious isn't it? We've got to play our way across the room.

**Harry**: What is it?

**Ron:** You have what is the national sport of Icelandic paper companies. They refer to it as Flonkerton. In English, box of paper snowshoe racing.

_The three play Flonkerton, with Ron sacrificing himself so that Harry and Hermione can go on. _

_Harry and Hermione go to the next room, which is empty except for a table. On the table is a vase and seven differently shaped bottles in a line._

_As they enter the room, a purple fire springs up behind them in the doorway behind them. At the same time, black flames shoot up in the doorway leading onward._

_As they approach the table, they notice there's a note on the vase. Harry picks up the note and reads it out loud. _

**Harry:** "Roses are red. Violets are blue. Look in the vase to find your first clue." Oh, my gosh. It's a deadly scavenger hunt!

**Hermione:** Oh, close. It's a deadly treasure hunt. A scavenger hunt is where you find items from a master list. This is where you follow clues that lead to a prize. Common misuse.

_Harry dumps the vase out to reveal a bunch of puzzle pieces._

**Harry:** Aw, there's no clue.

**Hermione:** We better get to work.

**Harry:** We can't, 'cause there's no clue.

**Hermione:** The puzzle is the clue.

**Harry:** Oh.

_The camera cuts back to Harry and Hermione. They've finished putting the puzzle together. Hermione studies it. _

**Hermione**: Alright – I've figured it out. This vial will get you through the black fire, toward the stone.

**Harry**: There's only enough for one…

**Hermione**: …

**Harry**: Which one will get you back through the purple flames?

_Hermione points at a rounded bottle._

**Harry**: Okay, you drink that, go back and get Ron. I'll try to hold Voldemort off while you contact Dumbledore. I got lucky once, maybe I can again.

_Hermione hugs Harry._

**Hermione**: Good luck, Harry.

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Hermione._

**Hermione**: If I had to put Harry's chances into a percentage, I would say he has none percent chance.

_Harry enters the final room. Inside is Quirrell._

**Quirrell**: Surprise!

**Harry**: (sarcastically to the Camera) Oh wow, what a surprising twist.

**Quirrell: **It gets even more surprising.

**Harry**: Oh really?

_Quirrell turns around and reveals Voldemort on the back of his head._

_Harry pretends to look extremely confused. _

**Harry:** No. No! Wait, but, I mean, you're Quirrell, and then… he's the…

**Quirrell/Voldemort:** Yeah.

_Harry pretends to look astonished_

**Harry**: Ohhhh.

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Harry. Harry smirks at the Camera._

**Harry**: You owe me 3 Galleons.

_The Camera cuts back to Quirrell/Voldemort and Harry._

**Quirrell/Voldemort:** I'll let you live, Potter, if you can answer these riddles. I have two coins totaling 30 sickles and one of them is not a knut. What are they?

**Harry:** A knut and a sickle.

**Quirrell/Voldemort:** No, I said one of them is not a knut.

**Harry:** But the other one is. I've heard that before.

**Quirrell/Voldemort:** Ok. A man and his son get into a car accident. They are rushed to the hospital. The doctor says, there is no way I can operate on this boy, ...

**Harry:** Because he's my son. The doctor is the boy's mother.

**Quirrell/Voldemort:** A man is found hanging from the ceiling...

**Harry:** He stepped on a block of ice, hung himself, and the ice melted.

**Quirrell/Voldemort:** A hunter…

**Harry:** It's a polar bear because you're at the North Pole.

**Quirrell/Voldemort:** Damn it!

_Harry takes the stone from Quirrell/Voldemort. Quirrell/Voldemort grabs Harry's arm, trying to take it back. But at contact, Quirrell yelps in pain, and his flesh starts to burn away. _

**Quirrell/Voldemort**: (weakly) It seems I've underestimated you, Harry Potter.

**Harry:** Well, Voldemort, maybe next time, you should estimate me.

_Harry puts his hands on Quirrell's face and it explodes. The Camera replays it two more times. _

_The Camera cuts to an interview with JK Rowling._

**Rowling:** By far and away, the most expensive shot in the show. But, it was integral to the story.


	6. Season One Episode Six

Episode Six

_The Camera follows Hagrid, as he attempts to carry a large vat of chili out of his hut._

**Hagrid voiceover:** At least once a year, I like to bring in some of my Rubeus' Famous Chili.

_The Camera follows Hagrid as he struggles to carry the chili into the school._

**Hagrid voiceover**: The trick is to undercook the onions. Everybody is going to get to know each other in the pot.

_Hagrid trips, and the chili spills out of the pot, covering the floor._

**Hagrid voiceover**: I'm serious about this stuff. I'm up the night before pressing garlic and dicing whole tomatoes. I toast my own Ancho chilies.

_Hagrid desperately tries to scoop the chili back into the pot._

**Hagrid voiceover: **It's a recipe passed down from Hagrid family for generations. It's probably the thing I do best.

_Hagrid looks at the camera mournfully, covered in chilli._

[Opening Credits - Upbeat Music]

[Title: Hogwarts, a Magical Workplace]

_The Camera cuts to Dumbledore's office, where he and Harry are filling out an accident report for what happened with Quirrell/Voldemort._

**Dumbledore**: Alright, that should do it!

**Harry**: Can I ask a question? Why did Voldemort want to kill me when I was a baby?

**Dumbledore**: …ummm…

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore._

**Dumbledore**: Am I going to tell him? No, I am not going to tell him. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.

_The Camera cuts back to Harry and Dumbledore._

**Harry**: Why won't you tell me?

**Dumbledore**: Look, I wish I could, but I can't. Well can, but won't. Should maybe, but shorn't.

_Harry looks at the Camera, exasperated._

_The Camera cuts to the Great Hall, where Hagrid and McGonagall are eating breakfast._

**Hagrid:** So, you ready for the... the Warties tonight?

**McGonagall:** Ugh...

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore._

**Dumbledore:** Tonight is the House Cup ceremony, the annual awards night here at Hogwarts. I call them the Warties.

_Dumbledore holds up a trophy of a wizard. _

**Dumbledore: **And this is everybody's favorite day. Everybody looks forward to it, because, you know, a lot of the people here don't get trophies, very often. Like Ron or Neville, I mean, who's gonna give Neville an award? Dunkin' Donuts? Plus, bonus, it's really, really funny. So, you know, a Hogwarts student will go home for summer, and he'll tell his muggle friend, "Hey, did you get an award?" And the friend will say, "No man. I mean, I slave all day at school and nobody notices me." Next thing you know, Hogwarts Student smells something terrible coming from the muggle's house. Muggle's hanged himself due to lack of recognition. So...

_The Camera cuts to an interview with McGonagall._

**McGonagall:** You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Warties are like a car wreck that you want to look away, but you have to stare at it because the headmaster is making you.

_The Camera cuts to the Great Hall as the Awards Ceremony begins._

**Dumbledore:** Welcome to the 25th annual Warties awards!

_The Camera quickly cuts to everybody talking and ignoring Dumbledore._

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Professor Flitwick._

**Professor Flitwick:** The Warties are kind of like a kid's birthday party, and you go, and there's really nothing for you to do there. But the kid's having a really good time, so you're kind of there. That's kind of what it's like.

_The Camera cuts back to the Great Hall._

**Dumbledore**: It's time to award the House Cup. Now currently Slytherin is in the lead with 472 points…

_A storm of cheering and stamping breaks out at the Slytherin table. Draco Malfoy bangs his goblet on the table. _

**Dumbledore**: However, I still have some Warties to give out.

_The entire room goes quiet, and the Slytherin students look worried._

**Dumbledore:** First, I would like to give out the "Fine Work Award" to Mr. Ron Weasley, for being just barely useful…50 points!

_There are a few scattered claps around the room. Ron looks at the camera in annoyance._

**Ron:** I don't care what they say about me…I just want to eat. Which I know is asking for a lot…at an end of the year feast.

**Dumbledore: **Second, the "Tight Ass Award" goes to the biggest stickler at Hogwarts, Hermione Granger, for being an insufferable know-it-all 50 points for Hermione Granger.

_Hermione looks at the camera and frowns. Students clap hesitantly. _

**Dumbledore**: Come on up, Hermione.

**Hermione**: No…

**Dumbledore**: Fine. This next award goes to somebody, who really, lights up the school. Somebody, who I think a lot of us, cannot keep, from checking out. The "Hottest in Hogwarts" award goes to...Harry Potter! 60 points for Harry Potter!

_Camera zooms in on Harry's bewildered face as students reluctantly clap._

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Harry, holding his award._

**Harry**: What am I going to do about the award? Nothing. I-I don't know what I'm going to do. That's the least of my...concerns right now.

**Dumbledore**: And finally, this last Wartie is for Neville. This is the "Don't Go in There After Me" award. It's for the time that I went into the bathroom after him, and it was really, really smelly. So...10 points for Neville.

_There is silence in the Great Hall as Neville reluctantly accepts the award._

**Dumbledore**: Oh, look at that, Gryffindor won the House Cup!

_Snape looks at the Camera, annoyed._

[This Concludes Season One of Hogwarts: A Magical Workplace]


	7. Season Two Episode One

Season 2 Episode 1

_The Camera opens on the staff room at Hogwarts. Hagrid and Dumbledore are talking. Hagrid is showing Dumbledore pictures of different magical creatures. Dumbledore's mug of OJ sits on Professor Binns' desk. _

**Hagrid:** What about this one? It's kinda badass, right? Just seems kinda crazy in a way I might need right now.

**Dumbledore:** I don't know.

_He glances at Professor Binns, who picks up Dumbledore's mug and takes a drink. _

**Dumbledore**: Oh! That's... not... yours.

_The Camara cuts to an interview with Dumbledore._

**Dumbledore:** Binns just drank OJ out of my mug, and didn't seem to realize that it wasn't his hot coffee. So the question has to be asked, is there no limit to what he won't notice?

_The Camera cuts back to the Staff Room, where Professor Binns is doing the crossword._

**Binns:** What's a seven letter word for purse?

_Flitwick sits across from him at McGonagall's desk, dressed like McGonagall._

**Flitwick:** [in a high-pitched voice] Satchel! 

**Binns:** Nope. Starts with an H.

_Hagrid sits next to Binns, shirtless except for a tie._

**Hagrid:** Handbag.

**Bins:** Hmmm. [glances at Hagrid] Thank you. 

_The Camera cuts to the Great Hall. Dumbledore stands at the front wearing fake teeth. Professor Binns floats in, sits and begins working on his crossword._

**Dumbledore:** All right, everybody, take a seat. As you may have heard, our sister school on the planet Jupiter is up eight thousand percent in enrollment! 

**All:** Yay! [applause]

_The Camera cuts to the Staffroom. Binns looks up at the clock and then back at his watch._

**Binns:** Hold up! That clock is slow. It is five o'clock, I will see you all tomorrow.

_McGonagall turns around, wearing a mustache._

**McGonagall:** Bye, Binns! Love you!

_She waves as Binns floats towards the door. He passes Hagrid, who is standing next to a hippogriff._

**Hagrid:** So long, Binns!

**Binns:** [without looking up] Night, everybody.

[Opening Credits - Upbeat Music]

[Title: Hogwarts, a Magical Workplace]

_The Camera opens on Dumbledor_e_in his office at Hogwarts._

**Dumbledore:** I suppose summer had to end sometime. It's sad, though, because I had a great summer. I got West Nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected even though I peed on it. Saw 'Inception.' Or at least I dreamt I did.

_The Camera cuts to a room where Professors McGonagall, Snape and Sprout sit, interviewing Gilderoy Lockhart, who is wearing a "Gilderoy for DADA Professor" pin on his jacket._

**McGonagall:** [conducting interview] Your experience is very interesting. Do you think you could use that experience to inform decisions here?

**Lockhart:** Absolutely-I, yes. In fact, I actually have a three-step plan that I believe could effectively double your success.

**McGonagall:** Really?

**Lockhart:** Yeah.

**McGonagall:** [waiting for Lockhart to continue] ...What is it?

**Lockhart:** Nice try.

**Sprout:** I'm sorry, what is your three-step plan?

**Lockhart:** Well, I mean, I can't just hand you my plan. I mean, if you guys give me the job, then, then you'll get the plan.

**Snape:** Well... it's an interview, and we don't know that you really have the plan.

**Lockhart:** [speaking faster] Well, I'm not gonna just make up that I have a plan. I got a plan. Believe me, you guys want it.

**Snape:** How would we know that, if you don't...

**McGonagall:** You could just be saying it to get the job.

**Lockhart:** I guess I could be, if I was... who would do that?

**McGonagall:** How about this. Why don't you give us a part of the plan, and that way we know you have it.

**Lockhart:** Tell you what. I'll give you part three of part two. Not gonna give you a whole part.

**McGonagall:** Okay.

**Lockhart:** Color-code essays, TM.

**McGonagall:** Did you just trademark that...

**Lockhart:** That's a verbal trademark. That's an agreement.

_The Camera cuts to an interview with McGonagall_

**McGonagall:** We are the Search Committee, hand-picked by Dumbledore, and tasked to find a new Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor. Not everyone we meet will be good, but someone's bound to be, right? But I'm really excited to spend a lot of time with Professors Sprout and Snape. [quietly] Did you know that Sprout's first name was Pomona? I had no idea.

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Lockhart. _

**Lockhart**: In my family, you don't really go out and get things. If you want something, you write it on a list, and then the house elf goes out and gets it, on Wednesdays and Fridays. So, I don't know, I guess you could say this job is on my list, and... [awkwardly smiling] we'll see what Rosa comes back with.

_The Camera cuts back to Lockhart's interview_

**Lockhart:** Well, I manage my department at the Dark Force Defense League, and I've been doing that for several years now. And, god, I've learned a lot of life lessons along the way.

**McGonagall:** Your department's just you, right?

**Lockhart:** Yes, Minerva, but I am not easy to manage.

**Snape:** Great. [to McGonagall and Sprout ] Um, can we just... [does a "wrap it up" motion with his quill]

**Lockhart:** What was that?

**Snape:** We just have a lot of serious candidates to get through today, so... [nods]

**Lockhart:** [getting upset] Am I not a serious candidate?

**Snape:** What do you want me to say? I mean, there's a line of qualified people out there. We have a video CV from America. [to McGonagall and Sprout] Are we all just gonna pretend to- okay. [to Lockhart] Um, what are your weaknesses?

**Lockhart:** I don't have any, assh***.

_The Camera cuts to Number 4 on Privet Drive, where Harry is locked in his room. His Uncle, Vernon Dursley, is fixing bars to Harry's window_.

**Vernon: **You're never going back to that school. Never!

_Harry looks at the Camera, sad._

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Vernon._

**Vernon:** I have a nice comforter and several cozy pillows. I usually read a chapter of a book, and it's lights out by 8:30. That's how I sleep at night!

Th_e Camera cuts to the Great Hall, where all the teachers and staff are gathered. Dumbledore stands to address them. Next to him stands Lockhart._

**Dumbledore: **Everybody, this is Sir Gilderoy Lockhart and he is the new Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor. So, just give it up for this big guy, right? Give it up.

_Everyone reluctantly applauds. _

**Dumbledore:** Snape, I want you to show Professor Lockhart around the school.

**Snape: **Me?

Th_e Camera cuts to an interview with Lockhart._

**Lockhart:** [singing] This day is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This _day_ is bananas! B-A-N-A-

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Snape._

**Snape:** [getting a pill from the bottle] I don't have a headache. I'm just preparing.

_The Camera cuts to Harry and Ron, flying in the Weasley's enchanted car._

**Ron**: I've busted Harry out of the muggle's house and now we're on the road to Hogwarts. But first, we need to make a pit stop at my parents' house.

**Harry:** Oh. That must be nice.

**Ron:** Well it's not much but it's home. 

**Harry:** Oh, no, no, I meant that it must be nice to have parents. 

**Ron:** Oh. Hmm.

A few hours later, _the Camera cuts to Harry and Ron as they fly over Hogwarts._

**Ron:** This is going to be a very good year. Very good. We're going back at Hogwarts. Good stuff. Um... Fred and George are rockin' the pranks. I feel very blessed.

_Ron swears as he slams on breaks. The Camera turns as a branch of the whomping willow tree smashes through the window._


	8. Season Two Episode Two

Season 2 Episode 2

_The Camera opens on the Staff Room where many of the professors are gathered. McGonagall approaches Snape with a card in hand._

**McGonagall:** Hey Severus. Professor Flitwick is back from the hospital today. Can you sign his card? 

**Snape:** Oh, great. [reads] "Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a mustachectomy." Oh that's not good. 

**Sprout:** Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious. 

**McGonagall:** It's nice. It's funny. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his mustache. 

**Snape:** Flitwick doesn't have a mustache. 

**McGonagall:** Yeah he does. 

**Lockhart:** Minerva, hit the brakes. Flitwick does not have a mustache. [He pauses] I misspoke. I'm not sure. I think he has one, now that- I think he has a mustache. 

**McGonagall:** Okay, Pomona sits by him in the Great Hall every day. Pomona, does he have a mustache or not?

**Sprout:** Oh, I don't know. Now I think he doesn't.

**McGonagall:** Pomona! What are you talking- The whole card depends on this! 

**Hagrid:** Okay, the man's worked here for over 20 years. How can none of us picture his face? 

**Snape:** 'Cause we come here to do our jobs. We don't stick our noses in other people's business.

**McGonagall:** Okay, which one of these looks more right?

_She holds up two drawings of Flitwick - one wit a mustache and one without a mustache._

**Snape:** Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamed of in the history of human insanity. That said, the one on the left.

_The door to the Great Hall creaks as it starts to open._

**Lockhart:** Guys, the door. What if it's him?

_Lockhart runs to the door._

**Snape:** Okay, quick. Who says mustache?

_McGonagall, Lockhart, and Hagrid raise their hands_

**Snape:** Who says no mustache?

_Snape, Sprout, and Trelawney raise their hands_

_As Flitwick enters, Lockhart moves in front of him, hiding Flitwick's face with his hands. Lockhart removes his hands to reveal Flitwick's mustache_

**Lockhart**: Ah! Ha ha ha! 

**Sprout:** He does have a mustache. 

**Hagrid:** Yes! 

**McGonagall:** Welcome back, Filius.

[Opening Credits - Upbeat Music]

[Hogwarts, A Magical Workplace]

_The Camera cuts to Dumbledore's office. Snape comes in and approaches Dumbledore's desk._

**Snape:** Can I talk to you a second?

**Dumbledore:** Ugh, what? 

**Snape:** Uh, I really think that you need to address what happened with Potter and Weasley last night... 

**Dumbledore:** What are you blabbering about? Nothing happened. 

**Snape:** Well, you know, they openly broke school rules. 

**Dumbledore:** That? With the Whomping Willow Tree? 

**Snape:** Yeah. You need to discipline them.

**Dumbledore:** Okay, I will... I'm not feeling very well right now though. My stomach hurts, so I may be going to bed early today, but... 

**Snape:** You know, Dumbledore, sometimes kids say their stomach hurts when they don't want to go to school… 

**Dumbledore:** Well sometimes my stomach hurts when you come into my office, so it's probably psychological.

_The Camera cuts to_ _the Gryffindor Quidditch team as they head to the field to practice, only to find the Slytherin team is already there._

**Wood:** Flint! This is our practice time.

**Flint: **I've got a note from Professor Snape giving us special permission so we can train our new seeker.

_Draco steps out from behind the rest of the team._

**Draco**: Hey Potter, guess who's the new Seeker for the Slytherin Quidditch Team? Everyone's just been admiring the brooms my father's bought our team.

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Draco._

**Draco**: Draco Malfoy does not lose contests. He wins them. Or he quits them. Because they're unfair.

_The Camera cuts to Dumbledore's office. Sitting across from him are Ron, Harry, Fred and George. Standing behind Dumbledore is Lockhart, Snape, McGonagall and Filch._

**Dumbledore**: Right, you all will be serving detentions tonight. You will each pair up with a teacher to serve your detention. Filch, since this was your idea you'll pick first. 

**Filch:** Hmmm, well... let me think about this for a minute. I'll pick Ron. 

**Dumbledore:** Ok, Ron. You'll be polishing trophies without magic. 

_Ron grimaces at the camera._

**Dumbledore:** Ok, now going by seniority. McGongall, our resident senior. 

**McGonagall:** We're the same age and I'll pick... Fred. 

**Dumbledore:** Good. You'll be cleaning the owlery. Next up, Superfly himself, Snape. 

**Snape:** Pass. 

**Dumbledore:** You can't pass. You've got to pick somebody. 

**Snape:** ... I'll take the other twin.

_The Camera cuts to an interview with George._

**George:** I am very flattered. I was his second choice after "Pass."

_The Camera cuts back to Dumbledore's office._

**Dumbledore:** So that leaves Harry with Lockhart, helping him answer fan mail. 

**Harry:** Ok, wait. Does anyone want to trade? 

**Lockhart:** [cluelessly] Yup. I'll trade. 

_Harry looks at the Camera, annoyed._

_The Camera cuts to Lockhart's office. Harry and Lockhart sit at his desk, next to a pile of letters._

**Lockhart:** This first one's to Gladys Gudgeon, bless her huge fan of mine…

_Harry looks at the Camera hopelessly as Lockhart prattles on._

_The Camera cuts to Lockhart's office, several hours later. Harry is still helping Lockhart with his fan mail as Lockhart continues to talk relentlessly._

**Voice**: Come…come to me…let me rip you…let me tear you…let me kill you…

_Harry slowly looks up at the Camera, concerned._

**Harry:** [to Lockhart] What was that?

**Lockhart: **What? What did I say?

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Lockhart._

**Lockhart: **I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out.

_The Camera cuts back to Lockhart's office._

**Harry**: I heard a voice say "kill".

**Lockhart**: I didn't hear anything.

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Lockhart._

**Lockhart:** Detention with Potter went well. Except, I think I was bitten by a spider or something. For a while, I was temporarily deaf. I couldn't hear a thing Harry was saying. 

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Harry._

**Harry:** Oh, I was talking like this. [he mouths words while pointing to his ear] I don't feel good about it, but he just kept calling himself a victim of fame and it got to me.


	9. Season Two Episode Three

Chapter Nine

Episode 3

_The Camera opens on Snape standing in the Great Hall, straining as he shoves a pumpkin on his head._

**Snape Voiceover:** This year I decided to really get into the spirit of Halloween.

_The Camera cuts to pumpkin-headed Snape sneaking up on Neville. Neville turns around as Snape screams._

**Neville:** AHH!

_Snape laughs as he tries to pull the pumpkin off his head. He tries several times, but the pumpkin doesn't come off._

**Snape Voiceover**: It may have been the costliest decision I've ever made.

_The Camera Cuts to the Staff Room, where Hagrid is struggling to pull the pumpkin off Snape's head._

**Snape Voiceover:** My greased up head went into the pumpkin no problem, but ... 

**Hagrid:** It won't budge. 

**Snape Voiceover:** I can't get it out.

**Snape**: [to Hagrid] Try again!

_The Camera cuts to Hagrid and Snape in the kitchen. _

**Snape voiceover:** I mean, I could try destroying the pumpkin...

_Hagrid pulls a big knife from a drawer, flips it and approaches Snape._

**Snape:** Hagrid, no. No. No! No!

**Snape Voiceover:** But as Hagrid and I discovered...

_The Camera cuts to outside Hogwarts, where Snape and Hagrid have set up a manakin with a pumpkin over the head. Hagrid hits the pumpkin with a baseball bat, sending bits of pupkin and manakin flying through the air._

**Snape**: [horrified] No!

_As Hagrid turns towards Snape with the bat, Snape runs away._

**Snape Voiceover:** ... any blow to the pumpkin itself could prove fatal to me.

_The Camera cuts to an Interview with Pumpkin-headed Snape._

**Snape :** At first I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently.

_The Camera cuts to a staff meeting, where pumpkin-headed Snape raises his hand to speak._

**Snape Voiceover: **I never should have played that joke on Neville.

_The Camera Cuts to pumpkin-headed Snape eating lunch in the Great Hall._

**Snape Voiceover: **I never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place.

_The Camera cuts to pumpkin-headed Snape walking into Potions class._

**Snape Voiceover: **Then I realized that I was being silly.

_The Camera cuts to interview with Snape._

**Snape**: I mean the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two. Right?

[Opening Credits - Upbeat Music]

[Hogwarts: A Magical Workplace]

_The Camera cuts to a corridor. Students are gathered and whispering. The Camera focuses on Harry, Hermione and Ron._

**Hermione:** [to the documentary crew] Do you see this?

_The Camera zooms in on the wall of the corridor, where in blood someone has written: "THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED. ENEMIES OF THE HEIR, BEWARE." Hanging from a torch bracket is Mrs. Norris, Filch's cat, who is stiff as a board._

**Hermione**: Disgusting.

_Dumbledore, McGonagall and Filch push their way through the crowd. Filch wails when he sees Mrs. Norris. Lockhart trails behind them. He goes and inspects the cat._

**Lockhart**: It was definitely a curse that killed her - probably the Transmogrifian Torture. I've seen it used many times, so unlucky I wasn't there. I know the very countercurse that could have saved her.

**Dumbledore**: Lockhart, you idiot she's not dead. She's petrified.

**McGonagall**: [to Filch] Don't worry Argus, we'll be able to cure her. We can make a potion from the mandrakes Professor Sprout is growing.

**Lockhart**: I'll make it! I must have done it a hundred times. I could whip up a Mandrake Restorative Draught in my sleep.

**Snape**: I'm the potions master at this school, moron!

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Lockhart._

**Lockhart**: I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular guy

_The Camera cuts back to the corridor._

**Dumbledore**: In the meantime, we'll launch an investigation to see who wrote the message. We'll start by interviewing all the students. Snape, you'll conduct the interviews.

_The Camera cuts to Snape's office, where he is interviewing Neville._

**Snape:** Let's go over some of the symptoms of petrification use, shall we? You tell me who this sounds like: slow moving, inattentive, dull, constantly snacking, shows a lack of motivation.

**Neville:** Hey...

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Snape._

**Snape:** I don't want to blow this. This is what all good law enforcement officers dream of. The chance to solve an actual crime.

_The Camera cuts to Snape interviewing Harry in his office._

**Harry:** I'm just saying that you can't be sure that is wasn't you. 

**Snape:** That's ridiculous, of course it wasn't me. 

**Harry:** You could have been possessed to do, so maybe you just don't remember. 

**Snape:** I would remember. 

**Harry:** Well, how could you, if someone just erased your memory? 

**Snape:** That's not how possession works. 

**Harry:** Now how do you know how it works? 

**Snape:** Knock it off, okay, I'm interviewing you. 

**Harry:** No! You said that I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how many people did you petrify? 

_Snape looks at Harry, shocked._

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Fred and George._

**Fred**: It wasn't us!

**George**: That's disgusting.

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Harry. _

**Harry:** Everybody knows it was Draco, and it is not fair for us all to take the fall for his stupidity!

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Draco._

**Draco:** Everybody's been asking me if I wrote the message about the Chamber of Secrets. It was rude, condescending, and a little bit snotty.

_Draco sighs sadly._

**Draco:** I wish I had written it.

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Snape._

**Snape**: It's never the person who you most suspect. It's also never the person you least suspect since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the heir to be Ginny… The person who I most medium suspect.


	10. Season Two Episode Four

Season 2 Episode 4

_The Camera opens on Dumbledore in his office._

**Dumbledore:** Today is Safety Training Day. Snape is leading ours upstairs. Yeauck. But, I am giving everyone a little bit of a treat. We are going to listen in on Professor Kettleburn's presentation about magical creature safety. And if I know Silvanus, it gonna be zoppity.

_The Camera cuts to an open clearing on Hogwarts grounds. All the students and staff are gathered around Hagrid and Kettleburn. Kettleburn is standing next to a hippogriff. _

**Kettleburn:** Now, this is a hippogriff. You need-

_Dumbledore reaches out to touch it. Kettleburn slaps his hand away._

**Kettleburn**: - You need special training to ride this creature. That means staff and students _can't_ ride it. ... Quiz! Albus. 

**Dumbledore:** Hmm. 

**Kettleburn:** Should you ride the hippogriff? 

**Dumbledore:** I can, and I have. 

**Dumbledore:** No! No no no no no! I said _should_ you. You should not ride it. You should not ride the hippogriff, you understand? It's not safe, you don't have the training. 

**Dumbledore:** Guys, I'm not the only one who's ridden the hippogriff. [points at Hagrid] Hagrid has ridden the hippogriff.

**Kettleburn:** Yes, he is qualified to ride a dangerous animal. You are not. Okay? 

**Dumbledore:** Ah, fine. 

**Kettleburn:** Do you understand that? 

**Dumbledore:** Yeeesh.

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Kettleburn._

**Kettleburn:** We do safety training every year, or after an accident. ... We've never made it a full year. This particular time, I was reaching for a box of hippogriff food on the top shelf, when one professor, who shall remain nameless, kicked the ladder out from under me and yelled...

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore._

**Dumbledore: **[barely keeping his composure] "Hey Silvanus, how's it hangin'?!" [laughs]

_The Camera cuts back to interview with Kettleburn._

**Kettleburn:** And I fell and busted my ankle. I'm legitimately scared for my safety.

[Opening Credits - Upbeat Music]

[Hogwarts: A Magical Workplace]

_The Camera cuts back to Kettleburn's magical creature safety training. He stands next to a blast-ended skrewt._

**Kettleburn:** The blast-ended skrewt can burn down a building. It can sting you and crush your entire body without skipping a beat. How many people a year do you think get stung by a blast-ended skrewt? Ten people, Albus. Ten people. Would you like to be one of them? You have to be alert, and calm. And always careful... These are very dangerous animals, and the staff and students, _Albus_, should not go anywhere near them. 

**Dumbledore:** Yes, yes. But it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world... if somebody... 

**Kettleburn:** It would be the worst thing in the world! It would! Very much so. 

**Hagrid:** What the _hell_ is wrong with this man? 

**Dumbledore:** It's a big ugly crab! 

**Kettleburn:** It's not a crab! It's a blast-ended skrewt! 

**Hagrid:** Don't disrespect the skrewt! 

**Dumbledore:** Okay, okay! I got it. I got it. ... Only on the rarest of occasions... 

**Kettleburn:** No do not touch it! 

**Dumbledore:** ...would I go near- 

**Kettleburn:** There is no occasion for you to go near these creatures, okay?

_The Camera cuts to the Great Hall, where all the staff and students are gathered. Dumbledore and Snape stand in front. Snape is holding a piece of parchment._

**Dumbledore:** Severus now has the floor... and he is going to try not to screw this up, like everything else in his life. Let me rephrase that. I believe that you can do safety training and make it sound just as good as Silvanus. Here we go! 

**Snape:** Ok, um, one thing that you're gonna want to look out for is carpal tunnel syndrome. It's recommended that you take a ten minute break from writing every hour. For your circulation, you're gonna want to get up out of your chairs and uh, and move around about ten minutes every hour. 

**Dumbledore:** Yes, good. Fine. Like stretching and... 

**Snape:** Um, yeah. Reading by torchlight can be a big strain on your eyes, so uh, it's also recommended that you step away for about... about ten minutes every hour. 

**Dumbledore:** Wow, that is... that time really adds up. That's like... a half an hour, every hour? 

**Kettleburn:** Take them at the same time. 

**Dumbledore:** Ok, you know what? You're making it sound kind of lame. So, skip ahead to the really dangerous stuff. 

**Snape:** Um, you always want to keep a sweater or cardigan of some sort, in case it gets drafty. 

**Harry:** What about a long sleeve T? 

**Snape:** Well, that'll work. 

**Neville:** Long johns? A shaw? 

**Snape:** You know, anything that warms you. 

**Dumbledore:** Ok, you know what? I think that everybody is going to vomit due to boredom. [to Kettleburn and Hagrid] Sorry, he is very lame.

_Dumbledore takes the parchment from Snape._

**Dumbledore**: Um, let's see. "Petrification! A malign magical state in which a living creature is rendered immobile and unresponsive, as if they had been turned to stone." 

**Kettleburn:** Thank God we only had a blast-ended skrewt to deal with. 

**Hagrid:** Yeah, that dim light is a bitch, ain't it? 

**Dumbledore:** Ok guys, you know what? I didn't- I didn't interrupt when you were having your presentation. 

**Kettleburn:** Actually, you did. 

**Dumbledore:** Yes. Okay, let's do another one. This is a good one. "A particular concern for professors and students is a sedimentary life style, which can contribute-" 

**Snape:** Sedentary. 

**Dumbledore:** Yes. "Which can contribute to heart disease." Heart disease kills more people than blast-ended Skrewts. 

**Hagrid:** That's called having a fat butt, Albus. 

**Dumbledore:** Mmmm, no, no, it's... sedentary... 

**Hagrid:** Yeah, yeah. That's, that's fat butt disease. That's what you suffer from? 

**Dumbledore:** No. 

**Hagrid:** Fat butt disease, Albus? 

**Lockhart:** Excuse me, sea monster, you weigh like a thousand pounds. 

**Kettleburn:** Alright, we outta here. 

**Dumbledore:** Silvanus, I did not walk out in the middle of yours. So, I- 

**Hagrid:** Yeah, but ours was real, Albus. 

**Kettleburn:** That's what I've been trying to tell you, Albus. It's serious out there. We do dangerous stuff, man. This is shenanigans, foolishness, Nerf-ball. You live a sweet, little, Nerf-y life. Sittin' on your biscuit. Never havin' to risk it. 

**Dumbledore:** Okay. ... What, Nerf isn't cool anymore?

_The Camera cuts to McGonagall and Dumbledore in his office._

**Dumbledore:** Minerva, petrification is as scary as a blast-ended skrewt, right? 

**McGonagall:** I don't understand the question. 

**Dumbledore:** Students are being petrified. Which can lead to a life of immobility. I mean this is really serious stuff. 

**McGonagall:** Yeah... 

**Dumbledore:** I- I- Nobody gets petrified suicide because they work with a blast-ended skrewt, and yet those guys are makin' fun of me, calling me a Nerf, that... 

**McGonagall:** It's really hard to demonstrate petrification. Their safety training had visuals. 

**Dumbledore:** Yeah... you are... ah, so right. They had visual aids. And all we had were the facts. You don't go to the science museum and get handed a pamphlet on electricity. You go to the science museum and you put your hand on a metal ball, your hair sticks up straight... and you know science. 

**Pam:** So, you're okay? 

**Dumbledore:** Indubitably.

_The Camera cuts to Dumbledore's office, where Snape now sits across from Dumbledore._

**Dumbledore:** They use props. They use visual aids, and they just made us look like dopes. 

**Snape:** Idiots! God, what are we gonna do?

**Dumbledore**: I don't know. Because you know what our killer is? Petrif-

**Snape**: Werewolves

**Dumbledore**: No. Petrification.

_The Camera cuts back to Dumbledore and Snape, a few minutes later._

**Snape:** Visual aids. 

**Dumbledore:** Yes. 

**Snape:** A quilt. Petrification quilt? 

**Dumbledore:** No time to sew a quilt. ... I got it. Give me the number for the Giant Big Box Toy Store.

_The Camera cuts to outside Hogwarts where Dumbledore is bouncing on a trampoline._

**Dumbledore:** You may be asking yourself, "What am I doing on a trampoline?" Well, I thought I'd bounce here for a while, relieve some stress, and then move on with my day. Not! Here's the plan. Snape, is going to gather all of the office workers and all of the warehouse guys, we're going to have another safety seminar. Only this time, where's Albus? Oh my God! He is on the roof! Now I have got their attention. I... tell them, about the cold hard facts of petrification. And then I say, "Hey! You ever seen a petrification?" And then I free and fall of the roof. And they freak out. And they get to see... the dangers of petrification with their own eyes. Nice side note: They might think "Hey, I should have been nicer to Albus." But that's... not why I'm doing this... Then, I land on the trampoline, take a couple extra bounces for fun. I climb off, walk around the corner... Ta-freakin'-da!

_The Camera cuts to the Great Hall where staff and students are eating lunch. Snape comes running in with a megaphone._

**Snape:** [out of breath] Guys! Listen up! Dumbledore is up on the roof, and acting strange! 

**Lockhart:** Whoa! What's the situation? 

**Snape:** I think he's going to be petrified! I think he wants you all to come out to the parking lot and watch him die!

**Ron:** Is it nice outside? 

**Snape:** It's gorgeous. Let's go! 

**Neville:** Do I need my jacket? 

**Snape:** No really, it's, it's very nice. Come on! 

**Harry:** Will I be too warm in a long sleeve T?

**Snape:** Everybody's gonna be fine in exactly what they're wearing, let's go! Let's go!

_Everyone runs outside, where Dumbledore is on the roof._

**Snape:** Come on, hurry up you guys! 

**Dumbledore:** [from the roof] My eyes! Oh, my eyes... 

**Snape:** [on megaphone] Albus, what's wrong?! 

**Dumbledore:** Everything's wrong. The gaze of the Slytherin monster has caused me to be petrified.

**Dwight:** Petrification? Isn't that just a fancy word for being scared? 

**Dumbledore:** Snape, you ignorant slut. Petrification is a very serious condition. Over 4 students are petrified every year! According to a 1980 study! 

**Snape:** Is that the last year the data was available? 

**Dumbledore:** Yes! My head is in such pain! And turmoil! 

**Snape:** Don't do anything rash! 

**Dumbledore:** Wait, where are Kettleburn and Hagrid? 

**Snape:** I didn't... [Snape runs up to the side of the building] I didn't think you needed them for this part. 

**Dumbledore:** Okay... that's... 

**Snape:** you said to just... 

**Dumbledore:** That's the whole point, dummy. 

**Snape:** Okay, I'm on it!

_Snape runs away._

**Dumbledore:** Okay.

_A few minutes later, Snape returns with Kettleburn and Hagrid._

**Snape:** Albus is up on the roof and he's acting strange! 

**Dumbledore:** Oooooh, my eyes! 

**Snape:** [on megaphone] Albus! What's wrong? 

**Dumbledore:** Everything is wrong, Severus. The gaze of the Slytherin monster has made me petrified. 

**Snape:** Petrified? Isn't that just a fancy word for feeling scared? 

**Dumbledore:** Snape, you ignorant slut.

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Fred and George._

**Fred:** Well, you know, the first performance was a little off. But I really think they hit their stride, in the second show.

**George**: We might even bring our parents tomorrow, to the matinee. 

**Dumbledore's Voice:** [from the roof] And that is why, I am going to fall off this roof! 

**Fred:** Oh, excuse me. It's my... favorite part.

_The Camera zooms in on Hermione and Harry._

**Hermione:** This is just offensive. 

**Harry:** At least we're outside.

**Neville:** Hey, check it out, there's a... there's a trampoline over there.

_Everyone looks around the building to see the trampoline._

**Harry:** Oh my God, there _is_ a trampoline. 

**Snape:** No, there's nothing to see over there, people! There's nothing to see. ...They found the trampoline, Albus. 

**Dumbledore:** Damn it. 

**Hermione:** Oh... God. Oh my God, he's gonna jump. 

**Harry:** Oh. He's going to kill himself, pretending to kill himself. 

**Hermione:** Yeah...

**Harry:** Hey uh, Dumbledore. Don't jump on the trampoline. You can't do that, because you're going to get horribly, horribly injured. 

**Hermione:** Hey Dumbledore! I have a present for you, but you have to come down and get it. 

**Dumbledore:** What is it? 

**Hermione:** Come down and... open it and you'll see. 

**Dumbledore:** Snape, find out what the present is. 

**Snape:** Okay, uh... I don't see anything. She might be bluffing. 

**Harry:** Snape... 

**Hermione:** Snape, what are you- 

**Snape:** Oh... It's uh, a Repliee Q1 Expo female robot, they're only available in Japan. 

**Dumbledore:** Snape, you are such a liar. Hermione, really, what is it? 

**Kettleburn:** Albus, this is the opposite of safety. You jump, you're gonna serious hurt yourself. 

**Dumbledore:** You told me, that I lead a... cushy, wimpy, Nerf life. 

**Kettleburn:** Yeah, but I never said you had nothing to live for. 

**Dumbledore:** What do I have to live for? 

**Kettleburn:** Albus, you're a very brave man. I mean, it takes courage just to _be_ you. To get out of bed every single day, knowing full well, you gotta be you. 

**Dumbledore:** Do you really mean that? 

**Kettleburn:** I couldn't do it. I- I ain't that strong. And I ain't that brave. 

**Dumbledore:** I'm braver than you? 

**Kettleburn:** _Way_ braver! You Braveheart, man. 

**Dumbledore:** I Braveheart. I am. 

**Kettleburn:** Come down, okay? 

**Dumbledore:** Okay. Hermione, I'm coming down to get my present.

_Hermione looks at the camera, exasperated. _

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore._

**Dumbledore:** A school... is as safe as the people in it. And sometimes those people can drive you to do crazy things to show the dangers of the school. That's the danger I found myself in today. I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But, yes.


	11. Season Two, Episode Five

Season 2 Episode 5

_The Camera opens on the Staff Lounge. Snape approaches Lockhart's desk with a stack of parchment_

**Snape**: Hey, so this isn't matching up with this…and I'm not sure which one's right. Can you just hunt down the original for me?

**Lockhart**: Yes. Me do.

**Snape**: Alright.

_Snape hesitates, then looks at Lockhart in confusion._

_The Camera cuts back to Lockhart's desk. McGonagall and Snape stand next to Lockhart._

**Snape**: Hey Lockhart, what were you saying before about those papers?

**Lockhart**: Me do it now. Go. Stop worry.

**McGonagall**: Lockhart, do you feel OK?

**Lockhart**: Me feel good. Body strong. Sleep big last night.

**McGonagall**: Yeah, I think we should get him to the hospital.

**Snape**: Yeah, alright Lockhart why don't you come with us?

**Flitwick**: No, guys.

**Sprout**: No, he's fine.

**Flitwick**: He's fine.

**Sprout**: He's always been like that.

**McGonagall**: No he hasn't.

**Sprout**: I mean, he's gotten worse over the school year….

**Flitwick**: He's making a statement. It's an ironic comment on our expectations of him. A funhouse image of our model of Lockhart.

**Lockhart**: You keep think that.

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Lockhart._

**Lockhart**: Me wand repairman not speak English. But he know what me mean when me say "wand no work", and we best friends. So me think: why waste time, say lot word when few word do trick?

_The Camera cuts to Dumbledore's office, where Lockhart, Snape and McGonagall have gathered._

**Dumbledore**: Lockhart, I appreciate what you're trying to do.

**Lockhart**: Thank.

**Dumbledore**: Here, we have a word code, the same way we have a dress code. And what we're talking about is…basically the speech equivalent… to just wearing underpants. Sometimes words, you no need use…but need need for talk talk.

**Lockhart**: But save time. More success.

**Snape**: Does it save time though? 'Cause we've been here for about an hour.

**Lockhart**: No me fault.

**McGonagall**: Lockhart, at most you're saving a microscopic amount of time.

**Lockhart**: Many small time make big time.

**Dumbledore**: What are you gonna do with all this time?

**Lockhart**: See world.

**McGonagall**: Lockhart, you cannot possibly save enough time to see the world.

**Snape**: Lockhart, are you saying "See the world"? or "Sea World?"

**Lockhart**: See world. Oceans. Fish. Jump. China.

**Snape**: No, see? Right there, that's the problem with your method. 'Cause I still don't know if you're saying "Sea World" or "see the world," and it's taking a lot of time to explain it.

**Lockhart**: Fine, fine. I'll talk normally.

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Lockhart._

**Lockhart**: When me Minister, they see. [Nodding and smiling] They see.

[Opening Credits - Upbeat Music]

[Hogwarts: A Magical Workplace]

_The Camera opens on the corridor with the Chamber of Secrets message. Students are gathered and talking quietly. The Camera zooms in on Hermione and Harry as Dumbledore approaches._

**Hermione**: [whispering] It's just, like, so creepy.

**Harry**: [whispering] Yeah.

**Dumbledore:** What's happening?

**Hermione**: Oh, something petrified Colin McCreevy.

**Dumbledore**: Really? Is he OK?

**Hermione**: Yeah, Madame Pomfrey took him to the infirmary.

**Dumbledore**: OK. [deep breath] Colin, you say? [snorts] Hmm. [suppressed laugher]

**Ginny**: What is so funny?

**Dumbledore**: Um... I mean did he even see Harry? Or, uh... Cedric Diggory from behind?

**Neville**: I'm guessing not.

**Dumbledore**: [laughing softly] I'm sorry. It's pretty funny when you think about it.

**Harry**: Mm... not really, no.

**Hermione**: It's disgusting and demeaning.

**McGongall**: Hey, what's going on?

**Dumbledore**: Oh, Colin got petrified. It's, uh... [laughs]

**McGonagall**: I don't think laughing about it is an appropriate response

**Dumbledore**: Oh, come on. We are laughing at Colin, but he's not even here, so no harm, no foul.

_The Camera cuts to Dumbledore's office. McGonagall and Lockhart are with him._

**Dumbledore**: [seated] Ok. Ok. How 'bout this? [rises, waves, sits back down]

**McGonagall**: That's great.

**Dumbledore**: I want it to be better than 'Great', Minerva. How 'bout I remain seated… and I just do a little bit of a nod. Sort of a humble thing. [demonstrates]

**McGonagall**: Sure.

**Dumbledore**: Nope. Then my face is down. They can't see my face.

**Lockhart**: And it looks like you're taking a dump.

_The Camera cuts to an interview in Dumbledore's office._

**Dumbledore**: Today's a big day. My presence has been requested by [in an authoritative voice] Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge. [He continues talking in a normal voice] He says that he wants to talk about big picture stuff. And, I'll be honest, I have little or no idea what that means, so… probably bad.

_The Camera cuts to Dumbledore talking to Snape in the Great Hall_

**Dumbledore**: Alright Snape, as you know I am heading to London today to meet with the Minister of Magic.

**Snape**: And you want me to come with you.

**Dumbledore**: Nope. The opposite of that.

**Snape**: I will stay here and run things on this end.

**Dumbledore**: Ok, good.

_The Camera cuts to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. The students are taking an exam as Lockhart watches. Then, he spots something on the floor near Hermione's desk._

**Lockhart**: …Oh my God. Animal stool.

**Lockhart** jumps on Hermione's desk.

**Hermione**: Sir, what are you doing?

**Lockhart**: Solving a mystery, if that's quite alright with you.

**Lockhart** opens the ceiling tile and peers inside.

**Lockhart**: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, what we have here is a bird that has been trapped in a vent. Fortunately, I have found it befo–BAT! BAAAT! BAT!

_The bat flies out of the ceiling._

**Harry**: Oh my God!

**Lockhart**: (screaming) BAAAAT! BAT! NO! EVERYONE REMAIN CALM! There it goes!

_Draco dives on the ground underneath his desk._

**Draco**: [from the ground] … Please don't let that stupid thing near me…

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Lockhart._

**Lockhart**: We have… a bat… in the school.

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Snape._

**Snape**: The simple solution would be to open a window… if we had… windows that could open.

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Draco, who is wearing his robes over his head._

**Draco**: Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop!

_The Camera cuts to Dumbledore in London._

**Dumbledore**: The meeting isn't 'til three, but I always like to come to London a little bit early and hit some of my favorite haunts, like right here, is my favorite London Fish & Chips joint. And I'm gonna go get me some.

_The Camera follows him as he walks toward a Long John Silver's._

_The Camera cuts back to the Hogwarts. Inside the DADA classroom, students and Lockhart are huddled on one side, glancing furtively at the little bat clinging to the ceiling. Harry — who left to find Hagrid — returns._

**Harry**: Hagrid said Magical Animal Control will be here at six.

**Lockhart**: At Six?! No, that is unacceptable.

_Harry stares off in the distance, then shivers, turning back to Lockhart._

**Harry**: I'm sorry what did you say? So weird…

**Lockhart**: What? What's so weird?

_Harry rubs his neck._

**Harry**: The bat, I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look. There's no mark.

_Harry looks down at his hands._

**Harry**: I feel so… tingly… so strangely powerful… [shrugs] Oh well.

_The Camera cuts to Dumbledore in London. The Camera follows him as he descends the stairs to the London Underground_

**Dumbledore**: Everybody takes the Tube in London It's fast, it's efficient, gets you there on time. It's a way to [turns and rushes back up stairs] Okay, there's a guy pooping in a cardboard box down there.

_The Camera cuts to the Great Hall. Lockhart is talking to Hagrid, trying to convince him to take care of the bat now._

**Lockhart**: This is your job, Hagrid.

_Across the room, Harry picks up a piece of bread from Hermione's plate, but instantly drops it, yelping in pain. Lockhart turns his attention to Harry._

**Harry**: Ow!

**Hermione**: Harry, what happened?

**Harry**: That bread on your plate? I just picked it up. It's white-hot.

**Hermione**: But Harry, this garlic bread is cold.

_Harry acts confused._

**Harry**: What? … No. It burned me. I…

_He trails off, looking at his hands in awe._

**Harry**: …bizarre.

_Lockhart turns away._

**Lockhart**: (to himself) No… no. One crisis at a time.

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Lockhart._

**Lockhart**: No, this doesn't mean that Harry is going to become a vampire. Only that he carries the vampiric germ.

_The Camera cuts to Dumbledore in London._

**Dumbledore**: This is the world-famous Trafalgar Square. Founded, of course by Napolean Trafalgar. Over there is Buckingham Palace. And over there is…

_He trails off as an older woman with short white hair walks by._

**Dumbledore**: That's Judi Dench!

_Dumbledore starts to follow her._

**Dumbledore**: Hello? Hello, hi?

_The woman turns, scowling. It's not Judi Dench_

**Dumbledore**: OH, I'm sorry, I thought you were...

_Alan Rickman walks in front of Dumbledore, but he doesn't notice. The Camera follows Alan Rickman as he walks away._

**Dumbledore** [to the camera] Hello, hello, I thought that was Judi Dench, but it wasn't.

_He pauses as the Camera Man talks._

**Dumbledore**:… Are you serious? He was here? When, when I was talking to the fake Judi Dench? Come on!

_The Camera cuts to the Hogwarts. Lockhart watches Harry as he goes to his next class when Hermione comes up to him with a bottle of medicine_

**Hermione**: Hey Harry, here's the aspirin you wanted.

**Harry**: Oh, thank God. I have such a headache from that glare.

**Hermione**: What glare?

**Harry**: The glare off the Fat Friar's crucifix? It's blinding

_The Camera zooms in on Lockhart's worried face._

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Lockhart._

**Lockhart**: I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once. But by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.

_The Camera follows Dumbledore as he walks into the Ministry of Magic. He goes into a large conference room where the Headmasters of Beauxbatons and Durmstrang wait._

**Dumbledore**: There they are. What's up? Hey hey.

**Karkaroff**: Hey.

**Maxime**: Dumbledore [sticks out her hand for handshake]

**Dumbledore**: Madame Maxime, high five.

_They awkwardly high five_

**Dumbledore**: Bam. So what's going on? What I miss?

**Karakoff**: Not much, they're uh, I guess running late upstairs, so we're just waiting for them.

**Dumbledore**: Cool. Good, good, good. Give us some time to catch up, and…

_Awkward silence._

_The Camera cuts to the Hogwarts as Snape approaches the DADA classroom. Hermione follows him._

**Hermione**: What are you doing? You'd better not hurt that little bat.

**Snape**: Animals can't feel pain.

**Hermione**: Don't hurt that bat, professor! It's a living thing with feelings and a family!

_Snape meets Lockhart outside the door. Lockhart is holding a box._

**Lockhart**: Flush him towards the door. On my go… NOW!

_Snape goes into the room and tries to force the bat into Lockhart's box. It flies past the box into the hallway. Hermione shrieks and ducks._

**Hermione**: AHH! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IIIT!

_The bat flits through the hallways, students diving to the side in fear as it passes. Neville runs into the Transfiguration classroom, and the bat follows. Lockhart closes the door and locks it._

**Lockhart**: I… am a hero!

_The Camera cuts to later that night, as students head to their dorms. The Camera zooms in on the window of the Transfiguration Room, where Neville's head can barely be seen from underneath a desk._

_Neville's voice, muffled from under the desk_: I really want to come out!

_The Camera cuts back to the Ministry of Magic as Karkaroff finishes his presentation to the Minister._

**Karkaroff**: So we had a total of four percent reduction in petrifications, which was just above our pre-year targets.

**Fudge**: Thanks very much.

**Karkaroff**: Thank you.

**Fudge**: OK, Dumbledore.

**Dumbledore**: What is a School? Is it a collection of numbers and petrification reports? Sure. But as you know, Cornelius, it is much more.

_Dumbledore plays a video on the screen. Cornelius has a confused look on his face._

**Dumbledore Voiceover**: Life moves a little slower at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. And that's the way we like it. Because at Hogwarts, we're not just in the education business, we're in the people business. Let's meet some of the folks that make Hogwarts so special.

_The film shows Dean Thomas, sitting at his desk. _

**Dumbledore Voiceover**: This is Dean Thomas, one of our talented students. An African-American half-blood, Dean's dedication is no doubt one of the hallmark's of the foundation of the school we're hoping to build our bases on.

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Dumbledore_

**Dumbledore**: Yeah, I shot a bunch of footage around the office, edited it together on my Mac. I was thinking of entering it into some festivals. Probably won't. You know, not what this is about.

_The Camera cuts back to the Ministry of Magic, where Dumbledore's video is still playing. The screen shows Cho Chang._

**Dumbledore Voiceover**: And finally, Cho Chang. Look at her. Look how cute. Not bad at all. Well, I hope this gave you a little taste of what life is like here at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. What it's like to walk a mile in Ron's shoes. Or try on Neville's pants. Maybe even one of Hermione's famous brownies. And you'll know, that you're home.

_The screen goes black, and Dumbledore turns to Fudge._

**Dumbledore**: Questions?

**Fudge**: Wow. OK, OK, thank you Dumbledore, that was great.

**Dumbledore**: Yes, thank you.

**Fudge**: But, for right now what, I would really like to know about is the school's performance, so do you have that information as well?

**Dumbledore**: Yes, absolutely Cornelius. Get that for you. I umm… [hands over report]

_The Camera cuts to Lockhart as he stands in the hallways, watching the bat fly around in the Transfiguration classroom. Harry creeps up behind him, startling him._

**Harry**: So… you're going to wait for Magical Animal Control?

**Lockhart**: (scoffs) Magical animal control? I've been controlling animals since I was six.

**Harry**: Cool. Okay. I'm gonna go to my room and lie down, draw the shades… there's just so much sun in here… bye professor.

_Harry walks away, pulling the collar of his robes upwards, like a Dracula cape. He looks back at Lockhart with narrowed eyes._

**Lockhart**: Goodbye Harry.

_Lockhart pulls a wooden stake made from a broom handle out behind his back._

_The Camera cuts to an interview with Lockhart._

**Lockhart**: Harry is on a path now. An eternal journey and I wish him well. But I have a destiny in this realm. Specifically, in the Transfiguration classroom.

_The Camera cuts to the Transfiguration classroom. Lockhart stands outside, holding a large bag._

**Lockhart**: Magic time.

_He shouts a war cry and charges in. The bat flies around the room in a panic. As Neville tries to run out of the room, the bat flies close to his head. Lockhart quickly pulls the bag down, trapping the bat on Neville's head._

**Neville**: Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Get off! Get off me! Get off me!

_Neville flails as Lockhart tries to keep the bag over his head. They slam against the desks and the walls as Neville struggles._

**Lockhart**: Hold still, boy!

**Neville**: Get off me! Get it off! Ahhhh!

_Lockhart manages to capture the bat in the bag and pulls it off Neville's head._

**Lockhart**: (to Neville) You're welcome.


End file.
